


Two Hundred and Forty-Three Days

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Conversations, Coping, Eggsy Unwin Needs a Hug, Eventual Fluff, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Medical Procedures, Melancholy, Roxy Morton Is a Good Bro, Sickness, Terminal Illnesses, Therapy, They all need a hug, Tissue Warning, Wakes & Funerals, aplastic anemia, completed fic, end of life, love making
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:01:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29135211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: Eggsy, a 25 year old man working for Kingsman Publishing's, hoping to make his mark in the writing world. His boss, Chester King, seems to have other plans, causing Eggsy to grow frustrated. His irritation, for lack of advancement, is nothing in comparison to the news he receives after a yearly physical. What he assumes is a faulty blood test ran by the labs, turns into a fatal blood disorder with no hope for a cure. He's given the diagnosis: Aplastic Anemia. A disorder in which the body stops producing white, red and platelet blood cells. Eggsy's devastation leads to unhealthy coping, and decides to keep the diagnosis close to his chest, receiving treatment alone. With a ticking clock looming over his head, Eggsy makes a bucket list with one main objective: Kiss Scot.Merlin runs his own company, frequenting Eggsy's workplace to fix all the broken down, second hand computers King has him use. He's nice on the eyes, flirty and fit as fuck. Eggsy figures he's got a shot with the intentions of a date, a kiss and maybe even a good friend. What he's not expecting is to fall in love, and an even bigger kink in his plans is when Merlin falls in love with him, too. Who couldn't possibly want Eggsy. Or so he thinks.
Relationships: Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin
Comments: 55
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really should gift this to my sister, who is a bastard and showed me a sad as fuck song, by a terminally ill 18 year old. Yeah...she's a fucking monster, so everyone remember that when reading this and know her evil is what spawned this. 
> 
> But! Despite subject, warnings and so on, this was the first fic I've written in a long time, likely close to a year, that I felt so passionate and actually driven to do so. I was struggling, and at one point I was going to give up writing altogether. So I suppose I can't be so mad my sister's need to make me suffer too, was helpful enough this came to fruition. Also another writer, iwasnnottrainedforthis, posted a fic that everyone should read, big shout out because her fic gave my boys a voice again. Several things have happened through 2020, and into 2021, making it hard for the muse to stick around. 
> 
> Rest assured, this fic is completed, beta read by best friend, snafu07, and ready for posting! I will not have a posting schedule, as she is a working mom and her time is precious, just as all of ours, so I will post as chapters are available. 
> 
> Anywho, I am not a doctor nor claim to be, all knowledge was researched and a little from personal experience, as I know someone who lost their life to Aplsatic Anemia. 
> 
> With all that being said, I hope you all enjoy, find beauty in what I've created and of course stay well and healthy.

“Healthy as a horse.” Dr. Hempstead says as he’s jotting down a few notes about the yearly physical he just completed in his laptop, while Eggsy buttons his shirt. “It’s been two years since blood work, Eggsy. There will be a requisition when you check out.” He doesn’t look up, giving Eggsy a clear view of his thinning white head of hair, where he spots a few pinkish, red sunspots.

“Aw, really,” he cheeks a bit, his lips twisting in a grin. “Don’t like needles,” he lies.

Dr. Hempstead rolls unimpressed green eyes. “You know the rules. Every two years.” He jabs a finger towards the door, eyes sharp and serious despite wrinkles and age that crinkle from his grin. “Go now, before I order more tests,” he teases.

Eggsy softly laughs, hops from the exam table, and heads toward the door. “Sure, Doc. Thanks, yeah?”

The old man shakes his head with a fond smile. “Bye, Eggsy. See you in a year.” Beneath the promise is a soft warning, ‘don’t go busting your ankle again, doing parkour’, that the good Doctor leaves unsaid.

That was a rather interesting visit that almost earned Eggsy a trip to ortho, as if he wants surgery. Eggsy’s since cut back, keeping his flips, leaps and bounds to a minimum if only to save the old Doctor a heart attack, and himself a lecture. Eggsy checks himself out, receives an address to the nearest lab and allows a short, petite woman by the name of Trish, to take three vials of blood, before he’s on his way to work.

It’s a nice, sunny day in May, and he wasn’t in any rush to get to work, asking to go in late since he was at an appointment; so he stops for a coffee and pastry on his way to Kingsman Publishing's. It’s a nice place, not where he wants to be in the long haul, but the right step in his journey towards becoming a famous author! At least that’s the goal, one that’s seeming impossible since his start date three years ago.

“Morning!” He greets Andrew, their secretary, brightly with a fond nod towards the older man. Eggsy swears he’s the brains behind this place. “Hey, Rox!” Eggsy slams down a to-go cup for his best mate, as he settles in his cubicle. “Miss anything good?” He peaks around the flimsy drywall that separates them.

She’s working hard on whatever column King deems of importance that day. From here Eggsy can see it’s about starching your white button down before ironing, something Eggsy is fairly certain almost all of London would know by now. ‘It were bloody 2019, weren’t it?’ And half the time people could drop their items off at a cleaners, worlds easier than starching and ironing yourself.

“King’s proposal to launch a new column about fabric,” she mutters around a sip of coffee. Roxy sighs, finally turning her brown eyes on Eggsy. “Cheers! It’s wonderful.”

“‘Course it is!” Eggsy answers smugly. “Know my best mates order, don’t I?” Roxy rolls her eyes. “And ain’t we got a column for fabric?” He mumbles, signing into his computer, and waiting for the old piece of shit roar to life.

Chester King, owner and head of the company, was cheap as fuck. Eggsy swore he hasn’t updated the computers since their purchase date over ten years ago.

“We do,” Roxy agrees with a tight smile. “But apparently the weight and material ain’t enough for him. He wants one tailored around colors and the like.” Her tone is about as thrilled as Eggsy feels. They’re always writing some horseshit about clothing, how to care for it, where to find it and what to accessorize with it. “How’d the doctor go?” She changes the subject as her fingers return to fly across the keys.

“Fit as fuck!” Eggsy enthuses with a frown. “Bloody piece of shit.” He gives the tower a whack, something he knows that ain’t gonna help, but can’t help himself either way.

“You know that doesn’t do any good,” Roxy dryly points out.

Eggsy’s irritation seeps into his voice now. “Yeah, I know. But I figure if I break it, King has to cough up money to replace it.” He mutters several curse words under his breath, restarts the ancient brick he considers a computer, and waits again. “Instead he has that company come in to waste half my work day trying to fix it. Swear down he don’t want my writing in the column, that way I can’t ever get out of here and make something of myself.” He sounds a bit like a sullen child, but give him a better explanation why he’s got the only lemon computer in the company.

Roxy snickers to herself. “One, don’t be so absurd. I’m sure he has better things to do.” Eggsy snorts. “Two. That means you wouldn’t see Merlin, eh?” He reaches around and punches her. “Ow! Hey! Don’t be a prat because I’m right!” She shoves him back.

Eggsy doesn’t answer.

Which probably isn’t the best reaction considering how smug she’s smiling, but it isn’t like he’s going to acknowledge she’s just a bit correct. That’s about the only good thing, concerning his shitty computer, is the computer company Chester has come in. A friend of his, or some shit, who owns Merlin’s Computer Repair Shop just a few streets over. That’s likely the real reason behind it, it’s cheap and close by, or maybe he gets some sort of discount. Either way, Eggsy rather enjoys the head bloke, the owner, Merlin. He’s nice on the eyes, tall, bald, and handsome in all the right ways.

Eggsy’s sure the man lifts weights, because there’s something tight and built beneath the old jumpers he wears.

“This piece of trash!” Eggsy growls as the screen goes blue, for a second time. “Ugh! King is gonna think I purposely fuck with this shit to avoid work.” He drops his head into his hands and groans some more.

“Make up your mind,” Roxy mumbles under her breath. “Just call him. Get it fixed and be on with it.”

Fuck. Eggsy hates when she’s right.

“Yeah, whatever.” He dials King, listens to the long, drawn out disapproval regarding Eggsy’s ever repetitive computer issues, and places a work order to have Merlin in and take a look.

King shows up, thrusting a laptop into his chest, “Here. Make yourself useful, boy.” As if it was some joke, the laptop has to be older than his busted computer; it’s heavy as a brick. “Try not to ruin this one, will you?” He stalks off before Eggsy can answer. Not that mouthing off to his boss would do him any favors, besides making him feel a little better.

“Fucking wanker,” Eggsy adds once he’s far enough away.

Roxy muffles a laugh. “Smooth, Eggsy.” He punches her again and gets to work.

He’s halfway through his next column that should make it into the papers, or so he hopes if King doesn’t find a dozen things wrong with it, when he shows up. Eggsy can’t hear him, mostly because he’s got earbuds in; it’s the best way to write.

“Excuse me,” Merlin repeats kindly.

Eggsy is in the zone, doesn’t always happen when he’s writing about repurposing old white button downs, but today he can feel the juice flowing through his fingertips.

Roxy pops her head up and gives him a hard shove, nearly throwing him out of his chair.

“Fuck!” Eggsy scrambles to right himself, only to find himself eye level with a wool, polyblend hunter green jumper; it needs a pill removal. “Oh. Hey, guv.” He smiles up Merlin’s chest, trying hard to ignore the ache forming in his groin, and slowly stands. “Sorry. Didn’t see you.”

Merlin’s smile is soft, just a quirk of his lips, as he nods. “That’s quite alright, lad. I only spoke twice.” Eggsy mentally curses himself. “May I?” Merlin gestures towards his seat.

“Oh! Yeah! ‘Course!” Eggsy jumps out of the way, notices Roxy’s pitiful ‘Get your shit together’ stare, and tries to look cool as Merlin works his magic. “Been giving me fits this morning,” Eggsy says to break the silence. “Rebooted it twice, blue screened each time. I keep hinting to King it may need a new motherboard.” He scratches the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks flame. Why is he talking computers, with a guy who could likely build him one from the ground up? Be cool, Unwin!

“It may,” Merlin agrees. “I’ve given him a quote, one I could give him at a reasonable price and install myself,” he mutters while he fiddles with things Eggsy doesn’t know shit about. Some code bullshit that looks like another language. “He’s yet to take me up on the offer.” Merlin finishes, stands, and holds the chair for Eggsy to take a seat.

He’s made what’s given Eggsy heartburn most of the morning, look as though it was effortless, evoking a touch of envy as Eggsy plops down into his seat.

“Because he’s cheap as fuck,” Eggsy says unthinkingly. “Oh. Shit.” He swivels to face Merlin. “Please don’t tell him I said that!”

Merlin cracks a grin, looking as if he knows it was an inappropriate statement but true nonetheless. “Your secret is safe with me,” he assures in that warm, deep brogue Eggsy finds so bloody attractive. “But if he did accept the offer.” Merlin packs up a little briefcase he brings with him each time, turns to face Eggsy again with a hand in his pocket, and goes on to say, “Then I wouldn’t have the pleasure of seeing ye every week.”

Eggsy sat there, mouth slack and hanging open in the most unattractive way.

“Have a good day, Eggsy.” The way he says his name causes his stomach to flip. “Roxy.” Merlin nods as he leaves.

Moments too late, Eggsy finds himself able to squeak, “Yeah! You too!” But Merlin is already at the door.

Roxy’s voice drips with disgust, “You’re pathetic.”

“Fuck off, yeah?” Eggsy shook himself a bit, suddenly feeling shaky and lightheaded, and got back to work. “One of these days, I’ll have the bollocks to ask him out.”

“You need a brain cell for that.” He ignores the jab to finish his column of the day.

Turns out King is in good spirits, reads it over and says it may make it out in next week's paper. Eggsy leaves feeling hopeful, grabs a pint and chips with Roxy, and heads home to take JB out before he lazes about the sofa with his laptop in hopes of a few words. It’s harder to write for himself when he’s writing at his job, but still manages a few hundred words before he calls it a night and crashes in bed.

\---

“No! This can’t be happening!” Eggsy wants to slam his head against the keys. “Why is this computer such shit!” He growls, picks up the phone to dial King, but his cellular buzzing in his pocket stops him from finishing the extension.

On quick inspection shows his Doctor’s office number flash across the touch screen. Normally once his yearly physical is over, he doesn't hear from them until it’s time to schedule the next one. He swipes to accept.

“Hello?” On the other line is the secretary, a chubby older woman by the name of Anne--who Eggsy knows has three kids, one boy and two girls, and a grandson--she’s asking Eggsy to come in. “Everything alright?” Suddenly his heart is in his trainers.

“Dr. Hempstead needs to go over blood work with you, dear,” she explains.

They coordinate a time that works well with his lunch break, resulting in an unfocused, chaotic rest of the morning.

He tries with little success to finish half a column by the time lunch rolls around.

“Ready for the pub?” Roxy asks, gathering her purse and jacket as they stand. “Wanted to try that new burger they have,” she goes on to say, unaware of Eggsy’s nerves.

“Nah. I’ve got a call from my doc, need to go over blood work,” he explains.

Roxy’s excitement dulls into a worrisome frown. “You okay?”

Eggsy tries for a smile, knows it's weak but she buys it anyway. “Yeah. Probably just one of those levels are off, need to redraw because the lab over mixed it or some shit.” It wasn’t the first time he’s experienced that.

She visibly relaxes. “Alright. I’ll bring you something to eat at your desk.” Roxy pecks his cheek.

They walk out together and part ways.

Dr. Hempstead’s grimace is more concerning than the call. “Your blood count was rather low.” He scrolls through a few numbers on his laptop. “It could be a faulty draw, or we could be dealing with acute anemia.”

“Wot?” Eggsy doesn't know medical jargon. “Layman’s terms, doc.”

“Anemia, in which your body is low in red blood cells, sometimes white as well.” He turns to Eggsy. “Your results show both.” Eggsy knew the difference between the two. “I want you to go for another draw, then we can deal with it from there, okay?”

Eggsy nods. “Yeah, sure.”

Part of him wonders why he didn’t just say this over the phone, but remembers the last time his levels were off and was in for more blood work. It was a simple in and out thing, nothing concerning, but this time was different. Eggsy wasn’t able to rightfully pinpoint what that was, except he wasn’t able to shake this feeling.

He went, offering up more of his blood, returning to work and went on about the day as if there were no issues.

A few days later he’s hearing from their office again, asking him to come in which only adds to his heightened anxiety. This time, though, he asks for a half day, not sure he can go through another day where his focus is wavering, earning himself a stern talking to by King, but at least he’s able to take the rest off. He’s thankful, at least, as he heads to hear what's what.

“They’re lower?” Eggsy asks. He ain’t no doctor, but he’s pretty sure that ain’t supposed to happen. “Thought it was just fluke?” That’s what his hope was, anyway.

Dr. Hempstead shakes his head. “I want to start you on iron.” He makes a few notes. “There are some dietary changes I want you to begin, boosting your immune system. There is a shot to help improve white blood cell counts, usually given to chemo patients--”

“The fuck?” Eggsy sputters, interrupting him. Chemo patients? What’s this man on about?. “A shot? I thought you said anemic!”

The doctor visibly sighs, as if this whole ordeal is taxing on HIM. “Eggsy, calm down.” Eggsy waits for him to continue, brooding the entire time. “I do think it’s anemia, yes, but that doesn’t explain the decreased white blood cells.” Eggsy listens as he provides further explanation. A reduction in red blood cells equate anemia, white blood cells is another ball game, Eggsy learns. “The injection will help, it’s a short-term fix, but while we figure out what is causing this…”

His response is short. “And how do we do that, doc?”

“There are more tests, more extensive blood work. Possibly a bone marrow analysis.”

“What’s that?” He’s almost sorry he asks. Because a large needle being shoved into his hip bone doesn't sound like a picnic. “But we’re trying meds and the shot first, yeah? More blood tests...then we go from there?” He’s beginning to panic.

Dr. Hempstead offers a reassuring smile that doesn’t touch his eyes. “Yes. That’s the plan,” he confirms. “But you must be careful, alright? Good hygiene, keeping dust and the possibility of germs low, hand washing is very important.” He eyes Eggsy. “Protect yourself, Eggsy.” He hands Eggsy a few papers on foods recommended for boosting immunity, do’s and don'ts concerning low white blood cells.

It doesn’t go unnoticed that most of these guidelines are for chemo patients.

Eggsy takes a deep breath that does little to quell the bubbling fear he’s working hard to tame. “Okay,” he agrees on an exhale.

An injection is given into his arse, a prescription was being sent to his local chemist, and groceries bought for his new diet.

But Eggsy wasn’t hungry, so he takes JB on a walk and goes right to bed for the rest of the evening and into the night.

The next day he’s doing research. Anything he can look up, absorb and prepare himself for what may or may not be the cause of this. And of course, that’s the worst thing he can do at this point. Because google has him believing he’s going to die...well that’s unhelpful. Eggsy manages to put the research down for the rest of the weekend, and decides to go visit his mother.

“How’s it going, babe?” It was a day trip to Wales. One Eggsy makes a few times a month, every other weekend. “Your boss been noticing your work I see, yeah?” Michelle has the paper Eggsy’s columns appear in, sent to her home. It’s a small shipping fee, honestly Eggsy would be willing to bring it to her, but she wants it each week.

Eggsy offers a small smile. “Yeah. Seems to be.”

She eyes him a moment. “How’ve you been?”

“Good. Good.” He’s trying to act normal. For one thing, he doesn’t know what’s going to happen, and for another it’s not like he’s telling her anyway. Barring worst case scenario, and all that. “Had my physical last week, fit as always.” This time, his smile is genuine and pulls a relieved one from his mother.

“I think I hear Daisy.” She lifts up to grab his three, nearly four, year old sister from her nap. Eggsy busies himself at the counter, preparing a sippy cup full of apple juice and a snack, knowing her routine from living with them.

It’s been a year since his mother and sister relocated to Wales. Also been that long since Dean was away in prison, thirty years to life; Eggsy wasn't sorry. It was a good decision for them, his mum and sister thriving in a more rural area; he was happy for them.

“Eggy!” Daisy shouts from Michelle’s arms, wiggling out until she’s let down, and running to crash into his legs. “Uppy! Pease!”

“Of course, my flower!” He hefts her up and onto a hip. “Good manners, babe!” He praises. It appears the books and videos he’s sent are paying off. “How’s my girl?” Eggsy’s snuggling her, kissing and nosing her little cheeks until she erupts into a fit of giggles.

“Stop, Eggy!” She howls, leaning away from his attack, shoving little hands against his neck. He relents, easing away to grin brightly. “Flowa good!” Daisy finally answers once she’s caught her breath. “I pway! Pway, Eggy!” She grunts and twists until he puts her down, and allows her to grasp his hand, leading him toward the new Princess castle playhouse he bought for her birthday last year.

They play for a good long while. Michelle prepares dinner, an easy pasta bake with garlic bread and a salad. It’s good, filling and leaves Eggsy forgetting his worries, keeping his heart warm and whole. He stays well into Daisy’s bedtime, insistent he gets bath and tuck in duty, it’s only twice a month he does this, and returns to his mum who has a cuppa waiting for him on the coffee table.

“You can stay the night, you know,” she offers, as she always does, as he sits. “Daisy would be delighted.” An unspoken, ‘so would I’, hangs in the air.

Eggsy takes a sip, settles back, and shakes his head. “Nah. Gonna head home. I like the drive.” Which wasn’t a lie, he did. “And plus don’t got JB with me.” Another truth.

“Bring him next time. Daisy loves him.” She sidles up beside him, sighing when his arm drapes around her, and lays her head against his shoulder. “I miss you, babe,” Michelle whispers.

He drops a kiss to her head, and rests his cheek there. “Miss you too, mum.”

They spend the next hour like this with shitty late night comedy shows playing on the telly, reminding Eggsy of a different time when he was a kid before Dean. And before long it was time for Eggsy to go.

“I’ll come again, yeah? Maybe you and Daisy can make a trip up for a week? When you get some time? I’ll pay for the train.”

Michelle thrusts a container of leftovers into his arm at the door. “Sure. I’ll ask my manager at the grocer, see when I can get some time.” She presses a kiss to his cheek. “Call me when you get home. Love you.”

He knows better than to argue about how late it will be when he gets home, so settles on a, “Love you too.” Before he leaves.

\---

“Alright.” Eggsy glares at the blue monitor screen. “You were sent from some sort of hell, yeah? Why? Don’t? You? WORK!?!” His voice is near a shout, earning him a few eyes from neighboring workers.

“Maybe Merlin isn’t fixing it correctly...you know.” Roxy waggles her eyebrows. “He did say then he wouldn’t see you.”

Eggsy rolls his eyes so hard it hurts. “Don’t be a shit, Rox. Ain’t no man gonna go that far to flirt a few times a week.”

At least that’s what Eggsy convinces himself when Merlin shows up around lunchtime, working his magic on the computer Eggsy swears is cursed in some way.

“Alright, Eggsy. Looks like it’s all set…” Merlin’s grin is teasing. “Again,” he finishes.

Eggsy huffs a laugh. “Thanks, guv.” He decides to work through lunch, since he’s really done fuck all that day. “Get many computers like mine?” Eggsy wonders as he logs in.

“Mm, not overly,” Merlin admits. “This particular model is older, in need of several upgrades, but as I said…” He trails off. “Mr. King isn’t exactly forthcoming with change.” Merlin shrugs, like that’s the best answer he can give him.

“Well, I appreciate you.” Eggsy nods. “Works as good as new every time you lay your magic fingers on it.” He mimics Merlin’s digits over the keys, beaming up at him through lashes. His cheeks darken, Merlin’s returning gaze is dark with something Eggsy can’t place, but it stirs all the butterflies in his tummy.

Merlin clears his throat. “Aye, well...it’s a pleasure to work with ye, always, Eggsy.” Somehow that makes Eggsy lightheaded. “I’ll be seeing you.” Merlin bids him farewell, leaving Eggsy floundering for a response that he doesn’t produce.

“You’re so pathetic,” Eggsy mutters to himself as he gets to writing.

The days pass in similar fashion. Work, talking to his mum, dinner with Roxy twice a week, awkward flirting with Merlin and pills. Iron pills that turn his shit black, causing Eggsy to fear his life the first time even with the assurance that is normal. After a few weeks, he’s back in for his test results, hoping the iron has done something.

“Well this is not what I expected,” Dr. Hempstead sighs. “Your red blood cells are trending down, but not at the rate they would if you’d not taken the iron.” Well that does little to ease Eggsy’s anxiety. He’s starting to despise the doctor. “And your white blood cells are holding steady, but even with the injection we gave you, they should be higher than this.” He heaves another sigh, it’s a mix of frustration and worry; Eggsy recognizes the differences easily.

Eggsy’s almost afraid to ask. “So now what?”

“Well, we can try another injection in hopes you’ll trend up, close to normal levels, and send you for most testing.” Eggsy didn’t like the sounds of this. “I’m going to recommend an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. That way we can rule out internal bleeding.”

“Wot?!” Eggsy’s spine went straight. “I ain’t shitting blood or nuffin!”

“I’m aware, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be something further up. You’ll be under local anesthesia, won’t feel a thing,” the good doctor promises. “I’m putting a rush order on it, so we can get you in as soon as possible.”

Some more typing happens, a few more recommendations on what Eggsy can do to boost his immune system. As if he wasn’t eating every bell pepper, orange, floret of broccoli, and other foods high in vitamin C, known to man. And yet it was all in vain, because he still has his arse cheek out for an injection and appointments to have a rod shoved up his arsehole, and one down his throat.

He leaves feeling wary and fearful.

Eggsy’s thankful King doesn’t ask too many questions regarding his need for absence and he doesn’t tell Roxy he won’t be there. What can he say? Sorry, might have internal bleeding, but that doesn't explain his other numbers dropping like his bodies quit doing its job.

Prep for the endoscopy ain’t as bad as a colonoscopy. Nasty tasting stuff he mixes into a sports drink, which he’ll likely never drink again, to shit his brains out. It’s unsavory in a big way.

JB whimpers and claws his leg as he finishes, what he hopes, to be his last trip to the loo and heads to bed.

“I’m okay, bud.” Eggsy scoops him into bed with him, cuddling the little pug close, and drifts after three hours of tossing and turning because his brain won’t rest.

He was right, Eggsy didn’t feel a thing, which is relieving. What’s more relieving, though a bit unsettling, is they didn’t find anything wrong. No bleeds. Eggsy’s got the perfect colon and stomach, and that’s all good and fine, except it doesn’t explain what’s going on with his blood.

Which brings him to the next appointment, and a worrisome frown over the doctor’s white brows. They are kind of bushy, he should trim ‘em up, Eggsy thinks to himself.

“This is both great news, and not what I was expecting.” Eggsy’s heard that before. “White cells have dropped some...red blood cells as well.” He looks more troubled than Eggsy feels, and that should rightfully concern Eggsy; it kind of does. “I can’t think of anything else to do beside a bone marrow biopsy.” Hempstead turns to face Eggsy, his face a mix of apology and professionalism. “This is not an easy test, I won’t lie to you, Eggsy. It’s painful and you should take a few days leave from work to recuperate.”

A million things rush through his mind, it’s like the tube station. Everything is zooming past him while he stands stationary, as if he can’t compute what’s happening around him. Part of him wants to say no, just forget it and go about his life like it hasn’t just been flipped upside down, while the other end is screaming in terror. Eggsy isn’t the type to lose his cool, flip his shit and have a mental breakdown over something he ain’t sure of just yet.

“What could it be?” Is what he asks. That’s the focal point of the chaos raging in his head. “Got any clues?” These are dangerous inquiries, Eggsy knows there are hefty risks that come with those answers.

Dr. Hempstead reluctantly nods, thin lips drawn in an impossibly thinner line as he says, “I would like to wait for the results, before I make any assumptions, Eggsy.”

Eggsy nods. “Yeah. Sounds fair.” And that’s about the only thing that makes sense out of this shit storm.

The procedure is given further explanation, a needle will be driven into his hipbone to collect what they call semi-liquid bone marrow for analysis and biopsy. At least dispelling some of his worry when he hears they use anesthesia at the sight, and decides to have it on a Friday so he’s not missing much more work. And since he’s off the rest of that day, Eggsy works on gathering himself so he can appear as normal as possible, and not a ball of nerves that’s about to explode.

He refuses to research anything, because if he works himself up enough about what it could be, Eggsy won’t go. So the days leading up to it, he fills nights out with Roxy, tries his damndest to work as hard as he can on the job, and smiles often at Merlin when he’s in to fix the damn computer that should be in a rubbish bin.

When the day arrives, he’s not as uptight, all the relaxing seeming to help him prepare for what's to come. They go over everything again at appointment, explaining how it works, and assuring him some people don’t even feel pain. He’s too much of a coward to have been all over the internet to find out other experiences, so he’s going into this dark.

“Just going to place some anesthesia, it will be cold.” Apparently it comes in gel form, too. You learn something new every day, hm?

Eggsy braces for the insertion, which ain’t so bad because his right hip is numb, but can feel a sharp, stabbing pain deep within that no movement can take away. Plus he ain’t trying to jostle that needle, last thing he needs is a severed nerve and ending up unable to walk. It lasts longer than he imagines. He buries his face into a pillow they’ve given him, and tries not to scream even as tears blur his vision and fall down his face.

“There.” The Doctor says, almost cheerfully, making Eggsy want to punch her in the face. “You did well,” she praises, adding insult to injury even if Eggsy knows she means well. “I’m going to apply pressure, then I want you to hold your hand here.” She presses down against the insertion site. “And roll onto your back, lie here for 15 minutes and then you can go.”

He does what he’s told, twisting with a little bit of discomfort, meeting her face. Eggsy would have thought her beautiful, if she wasn’t the person for his current pain.

She smiles kindly at him as if he ain’t got tear tracks down his cheeks, likely a well practiced expression, crinkling the corners of her bright blue eyes.

“A nurse will let you know when it’s time to go. And I’ll be in touch by Monday or Tuesday,” she assures, pats his shoulder, and leaves him holding gauze to the top of his arse.

Thank God It’s Fucking Friday, yeah?

What a bunch of bollocks it was, yeah? Because he spent the majority of Friday sleeping, a bag of frozen peas on his hip, and hobbling around the rest of the weekend.

JB don’t even complain when Eggsy takes him on a shorter walk, the lazy little pudgy thing he is, or when they laze about for two whole days eating pizza, and drinking beer. Well, Eggsy don’t give JB beer, but he may have given the pup a slice of pizza or two...and that’s no one's business but his own.

\---

“Are you feeling okay?” Roxy asks as Eggsy hands her a to-go cup of her favorite latte. She takes it gratefully, sipping the flat white with a touch of sugar, and stares his way with wide concerning eyes. “Figured I’d see you Friday.”

“Yeah. I’m good.” Eggsy sits gingerly. His hip still aches a bit, but it’s nothing he can’t handle through a work day. Paracetamol and ice will be his best mate later on when he returns home. “Did I miss anything good?” He idly wonders while scrolling through emails, ignoring the heat of her eyes on the side of his face.

For just a few more moments, Eggsy wants to pretend his mobile isn’t like a red hot brick in his pocket and it’s just a regular Monday morning.

“No.” Roxy answers after a few minutes have gone by. She shifts away, though the curiosity ripples off of her like a thick fog.

They work in silence, Eggsy refrains from checking his phone every minute, and finally settles into a column about the difference between oxfords and brogues. Which goes with what outfit, and so on. He even throws in a mention in regards of proper shoe polish, one that King’s nephew Harry Hart designs, and guides them where to find it. Which is unsurprisingly located at the tailor shop the family owns. Of course it all ties together, making it seem like a crooked business if you ask Eggsy, but he’s just trying to get a leg in to hone his writing skills.

Halfway through his lunch, it’s a chicken salad club with bacon which is heaven on toasted wheat, he’s jumping from his chair when his phone rings. Roxy watches him curiously, chewing her own turkey club slowly as if he’s grown three heads, when he excuses himself and wanders outside the bistro.

“Hello?” It’s like his world halts. “Yes, this is Gary Unwin,” he confirms, along with his birthdate. A nice lady on the other line asks if he can come in for his results. Which if any drama show on the telly tells you anything, that ain’t a good sign, but Eggsy keeps his voice level. “I should be able to come in tomorrow, yeah.” King is going to have a fit.

A time is put on the books, Eggsy thanks them for the call even if his heart is in his throat, and hangs up. He pretends to be on mobile a bit longer, if only to control his breath so when he returns it doesn't look like he’s about to have a panic attack. Eggsy takes a final inhale and slowly lets it out as he pushes the bistro door open.

“Is everything alright?” Roxy cautiously asks. Surely she was watching him pace like his arse was on fire.

Eggsy nods, putting on his best smile that by Roxy’s returning one, she believes, and says, “Yeah. All good.” The rest of lunch is spent chattering about a new cooking show, giving Eggsy’s mind a rest.

“You’ve been taking a lot of time, boy.” Chester’s brooding glare does little to ease Eggsy’s nerves. “You aren’t sick or anything, are you?” He’s short and gruff, his voice overly polite but in a sneering way. “I can’t afford to keep giving you days off,” he goes on to say.

Eggsy mutters, “Ain’t like you publish all my writing,” under his breath, thankful the old man doesn't hear. “I know, Mr. King. I just...I have some stuff going on.” He’s not sure how much to divulge.

Chester rolls his eyes. “A half day you say?” Eggsy nods. He’s opting to go in the afternoon, hoping it would soften King a bit. It seems to work. “Alright. But don’t make this a habit, hm?” He eyes him carefully, and for a moment Eggsy swears he saw concern in worn blue eyes. “Go on with you now.” Chester irritably waves him off.

He thanks him, goes about the rest of his day and can’t sleep that night. Eggsy’s a walking zombie by the time he reaches Kingsman Publishing's at 8 am, clutching his triple shot macchiato like it’s a lifeline. There is a wave of relief when his computer works for the second morning in a row, he’s not sure he can face Merlin with all this uncertainty riding on his shoulders, and even more appreciative with Roxy gives him a hard hug and doesn’t question his absence.

Somehow the universe is being kind, call it the calm before the storm if you will, giving him a break.

The waiting room seems warmer, emptier even, like still air you can’t see, and it’s near suffocating. It feels to be hours before his name is called. He follows the nice nurse, who chats about the dreary weather as if this is any different to London, and shows him a quaint room. Where walls contain inspirational quotes about healing, pushing on and all that garbage that is meant as comforting but just reminds him he’s here for less than exciting news.

Not that they were saying anything to that effect over the phone, but the implication was there.

“Mr. Unwin.” The kind, pretty doctor who took his damn bone marrow, smiles as she enters. “Dr. Everts.” She offers a hand, shakes his, and sits across from him crossing a leg over the other. He’s not sure what to say, how are you? Comment on the sterile blue walls, or the way her hair is falling from the bun behind her head. “So I spoke with your primary care Doctor, went over the tests he’s done and compared it all with my own findings,” she says, cutting to the chase.

“It’s cancer, ain’t it?” Eggsy blurts out without thinking, because that’s the only explanation he concludes, basing it off of her furrowing brow.

Dr. Everts shakes her head. “No, Mr. Unwin.”

“Eggsy,” he interrupts her. “Please call me Egggsy.” It’s comforting.

“Sure.” Her smile finally touches her eyes. “But no. It is not cancer.” She pulls up something on a computer, it’s tucked in a corner of the room on a small desk. “You were treated for anemia by your primary, and it wasn’t working,” she goes on to say. Eggsy nods. “So we tested your bone marrow when other tests came up benign.” Dr. Everts types a bit, prints a few things out, and clutches them as if it holds his fate. “Our results show something more troublesome--” His heart drops. “--It’s a condition called Aplastic Anemia.”

“What’s that?” Eggsy finds himself muttering, despite feeling like someone stole the oxygen from his lungs.

She sighs, “it’s a form of anemia where your bone marrow stops making new blood cells, white, red and platelets. It is considered an autoimmune disorder, basically your body attacks itself.”

Eggsy’s head spins. “But it’s curable, yeah?” It’s Anemia, it has to be, right? He’s known people who run cooler, tire easily, and need to eat more iron rich things. “Just give me some meds and I’m good?” Despite the atmosphere in the room, he’s trying desperately to grasp hope.

Because they way she’s looking at him, this sort of pity in her blue eyes and a kind smile that seems sad and apologetic, Eggsy knows that’s not an option. He’s just not ready to face whatever it is she’s about to say next.

Her voice is incredibly soft, “No, it’s not. It is treatable, but it’s fatal.” It’s as if everything slows down, sorta like when you fuck with a VHS tape and the people talking have deeper voices, words all drawn out. “We can give you blood transfusions. There are bone marrow stimulants, and even transplants if you have a sibling.” She explains, unaware of Eggsy’s internal struggle. “I’d like to start a transfusion right away. It can help with fatigue, shortness of breath…” She’s continuing to speak, but all Eggsy can hear is fatal.

It repeats in his head, like a broken record and he has no way to stop it. Fatal. That means death. She’s saying he’s going to die?

“When?” Eggsy asks aloud.

Dr. Everts stops mid sentence. “We can get you in today, if you like. And that’d be better, actually.”

“No.” Eggsy’s shaking his head. “When...how long? You said fatal.”

She watches him for a moment, considering his inquiry. “Most people who go untreated, about 70% of those diagnosed, with similar severity as yours die within a year.”

Eggsy swallows down the lump threatening to come up; he’s going to be sick. “And if I do?”

“There is an 80% overall 5 year survival rate for those under 20.” She shifts a bit. “It’s less than 5 years for adults, even with treatment,” she adds honestly.

“Will it hurt?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Transfusions. Will they hurt?” He ain’t about to put himself in pain, if all he’s going to do is die in the end.

She shakes her head. “No. They are painless.”

Eggsy takes a deep breath, sets his shoulders, and stiffens his jaw. “Yeah. Alright. I’ll do it.”

“Good,” she exhales, as if she’s held her breath. “I would like to try bone marrow stimulation as well.”

He takes the paper she hands him, listening to the procedure, and figures what does he have to lose? It’s an injection of cartilage and a few other medications that help stimulate production of new blood cells. She’s hopeful to alternate treatments, feeling optimistic that Eggsy can have more than a year with this treatment plan.

“This is a lot to handle. I would suggest speaking to someone, family, friends, maybe a therapist. Consider going part time at work, but stay active and keep a healthy diet. That will help you, too.”

She refers him to a psychiatrist who specializes in dealing with terminal patients. Because that’s what he is now: Terminal. Dr. Everts orders supplements, provides him a dietary list of foods good for helping boost his immune system, and gives him a packet containing risk associated with his diagnosis and the importance of keeping his exposure to germs down.

Apparently he has next to no immune system, meaning a simple cold can toss him into hospital fighting for his life. The warning quickly squashes any plans to see his mum and baby sister.

“Is there anyone who can donate bone marrow? We find it easier to transplant that from a sibling.”

Eggsy’s lips are tight when he says, “No. There ain’t.” And he isn't about to tell her about Daisy. She’s 3, ain’t no way he’s putting her through that when there can be complications, and there’s no guarantee it will take. His body can reject the transplant.

Dr. Everts nods, schedules his transfusion at hospital, and sends him on his way.

She’s right, it isn't painful and only takes about 5 hours.

Eggsy heads home, has some dinner, feeds JB, and crawls right into bed. He’s done enough reading during his hospital stay, leaving the papers on his kitchen table, and sleeps the rest of the evening and night away.

Only things left on his mind, before he drifts off, are how is he going to tell everyone? Is he going to tell his mum? What is Chester going to say? He’s certain the old man won’t give a fuck about his health, and only about the loss of a worker. Or what about his best mate, Roxy? That’s not going to go over well. And how about the fact he’s never even done more than flirt with Merlin, and now he’ll never know what that bloody Scot looks like under those jumpers.

Because he’s going to die. Long before he should, and that’s more angering than the condition itself. He can handle fatigue, bruising, pale skin--shit he’s already pale as fuck--and some shortness of breath. What he can’t handle, what he’s NOT going to accept, is going out of this world at 25 without living his best bloody life.

Eggsy makes a mental note to make a bucket list of sorts in his mobile, before he forgets and succumbs to sleep, and the first thing he types into the note app is: Kiss the Sexy Bald Scot. And falls into a deep, much needed slumber.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So these chapters are long, because the story was written with the intention to be a one shot, but enough people said they'd prefer it broken up for ease of reading. I could only break it down so much. 
> 
> Anyway. Here's chapter 2, 3 is done as well and I'm like sitting on my hands not to post. 
> 
> I want to extend thanks to those who are reading, it means a lot. I know this isn't an easy story!

Falling in love was a candidate for his bucket list, but that wasn’t a realistic expectation since he’ll be leaving whoever it was high and dry without the promise of forever; you know, like most couples and such. But riding The Eye, purchasing the most luxurious package he can waste his savings on, was high on the list. Eggsy starts a fund to send his baby sister, and mum, to Disney in Paris. He’s not going to leave without making sure his flower and mum have something in the end.

That’s another problem he’s running into as the weeks stroll by. How does he tell her? He knows he should, it’s the right thing to do rather than fucking off and dying, last minute like: ‘Hey! By the way, I have a really fatal blood disorder that’s going to kill me soon’.

And on the other hand, he just doesn’t see the point causing more stress when she’s finally finding peace after Dean.

Eggsy supposes he can save all these headaches for his therapist.

Who is an older, middle-aged gentleman by the name of Dr. Michael Percival. His expression is cool, blank and free of all judgment.

It’s his second session, and Eggsy can’t shut up about Merlin. “I mean...he comes in there, looking all suave. And who the fuck looks like that in a jumper?”

Dr. Percival hasn’t anything written in his notebook yet, which maybe is alarming but Eggsy continues to prattle on.

“You’ve never mentioned how you feel regarding the diagnosis, Eggsy,” Dr. Percival interjects between a pause. Eggsy’s caught off-guard by the observation. It’s not as if the man isn’t being paid for it, he is, but it’s still startling despite the truth behind his statement. “Why don’t we talk about that,” he prompts encouragingly.

Eggsy shifts against the expensive Italian leather chair, sliding a bit against it, and shakes his head. “I’m not ready,” he admits. It’s as much the truth as his refusal to tell anyone what’s going on.

Dr. Percival simply nods, makes a note in his book---earning an eyebrow raise from Eggsy---and returns his attention as if there was no interruption.

Eggsy finds it hard to keep talking about Merlin then, a constant reminder of what he may never have, even when he’s not made a move to do anything about it. So he switches gears, starts babbling about dinner with his mum and sister the coming week.

\---

“This is the pits, yeah?” Eggsy wants to scream. “I’m never getting this article finished,” he sighs, leaning hard into his chair. “Might as well call King.” He dials the number, drones on about the piece of shit he has to work with and feels a little better by the end when Merlin is to be sent by.

He’s always on time, just in the middle of his lunch which he’s spending alone today because Roxy took a half day for a woman’s check up. Eggsy has to laugh a little, she’s so put out by the yearly invasion of her bits, and he honestly can’t blame her. These are the moments he wants to share his diagnosis, like for a single moment he can understand having your body probed with needles, medical equipment that doesn’t belong in certain areas, but he relents and waves her off with the promise of an extra pastry tomorrow morning.

“Good afternoon, Eggsy.” Merlin’s smooth brogue cuts through his internal chatter, causing a wide smile around the bite of tuna on sourdough, earning him one right back. Fuck, the man is gorgeous and he don’t even know it. “I’ve come bearing gifts!” He’s holding a rather large box that looks heavy and comes to stand in front of his desk when Eggsy wheels to Roxy’s.

“What’s that?” He’s peering curiously over the divider that separates him and Roxy. “Ain’t your usual tools,” Eggsy notes suspiciously.

Merlin tosses a wink over his shoulder and begins dissembling Eggsy’s computer. “It isn’t, nae. Good eye, lad.” The praise sends a shiver up his spine, something not entirety foreign yet not completely familiar; he likes it far more than necessary. “It’s a new computer. King finally bit the bullet.”

Eggsy nearly chokes on his crisps. “Yeah?” He chugs water to dislodge the clog. “Wow.” What a fucking understatement.

How’s he going to see Merlin now?! It was the bloody highlight through the shittiest month of his life, and considering he’s only going to get worse adds insult to injury. He feels as though his heart is open, bleeding, as if someone is rubbing salt in it. It stings and burns. It’s unfair, is what it is! Now? Suddenly King finds a kind pocket and extends the funds to provide Eggsy with a working computer that he’s been BITCHING about for close to a year?

Ain’t that his luck.

After a few moments watching Merlin put it together, how his long, thin fingers handle the small parts with care...or the way those muscles move beneath his ratty jumper. Is it hot in here?

“How generous of him,” Eggsy adds once he’s found the voice. It still comes out a bit huskier than he intends, but Merlin doesn't seem to notice anyway.

Merlin hums agreeingly. “There.” He lifts from a crouch, powers it on, and allows Eggsy room to swivel over and play with it.

It’s smooth, running like a knife through soft butter.

“Nice,” Eggsy appreciates. He’s not ungrateful, that’s for sure, but he’s a little sour about it and hasn’t come up with a proper excuse to keep the man coming. Maybe they can tinker around with Roxy’s computer, King won’t be so forthcoming two days in a row. “Thanks, mate!” He tries to sound enthusiastic, it’s polite.

“Ye are welcome.” Merlin packs up, turns toward Eggsy, and looks as if he wants to say something more. His eyes are hard with an intense emotion Eggsy hasn’t seen before. Yet the green and gold flecks deep in his hazel eyes swirl with warmth; they’re hypnotizing. “It’s a shame though,” he goes on to say, “Means I won’t see you anymore,” Merlin finishes.

All the air leaves his lungs in a quick swoosh. He finds it hard to catch his breath, wondering idly if its from the Aplastic Anemia or the clear as fucking DAY confession. Which is it really a confession? Rather than an admittance of his displeasure of their departure?

Of course it’s a confession! Eggsy internally smacks himself, but remains cool and calm as he smiles.

This is his chance. You don't have many opportunities to take chances, to take hold of what little life you have left and grasp it by the bollocks, taking control when he’s lost so much of it already.

“Yeah, I know,” Eggsy regretfully sighs, playing into it a bit. Merlin’s shoulders only slump a little, that’s all Eggsy needs to continue on and say, “But you could go out with me, yeah? Then this doesn’t have to be the last time.” He intends for it to sound smoother than that, but at least he’s making the effort.

Merlin’s lip twitches up at the corners. “Aye?” Eggsy assumes that’s good. “I mean.” Merlin seems to struggle a moment, as if he wasn’t expecting that response. “I’d love to.”

Eggsy’s mouth stretches across his face; he probably looks crazy. “Yeah. Cool.” He nods as if he’s never been out with a bloke in his life. “Uh. Here.” Eggsy scrawls his number on a scrap of paper, hands it to Merlin, realizing he’s never felt the man’s hands before. “You know, for a bloke who works with his hands, yours are soft,” he blurts without thinking.

It’s too late to take it back. Though the way Merlin grins at him, it’s an easy, free expression he’s never seen before, Eggsy figures it’s not unwelcome.

“I use a special lotion, keeps them from cracking. I try to massage them at night, that way I don’t end up with stiff fingers.” Merlin pockets the number and goes to leave, but not before he’s written his own on the inside of Eggsy’s palm like they’re in high school. “Call me.”

And he does, once he’s out of work and done with his second blood transfusion. Suddenly the treatments feel less like pointless work, and more like hope.

\---

“It sounds like you’ve got a nice companion in this Merlin, hm?” Dr. Percival offers. “He sounds good for your mental health,” he adds, making his blooming relationship with Merlin sound like a remedy; Eggsy doesn’t like it. “Does he know about your condition?” His irritation doubles. Eggsy hasn’t even spoken to Roxy about it, or his mum, let alone Merlin.

“We’re just friends,” Eggsy swears. “And he ain’t therapy, mate. This is why I’m here, yeah?”

Dr. Percival tips his head curiously, likely reading hostility in the room. Eggsy ain’t here for his advice, it’s for him to talk and get shit off his chest.

“It wasn’t meant as an insult, Eggsy. You just appear more animated since you’ve been spending time with him.” Eggsy can tell he’s choosing his words carefully. The word ‘dating’ hangs in the air. Was that what they were doing? He’s been to the pub twice with Merlin, gone to an arcade and won him a huge, hot pink stuffy that Merlin swore he’s sleeping with. But that’s friend stuff too, right? “It’s good considering all you’re going through.”

Eggsy nods. He doesn’t say anything about his condition, but he knows the doc has full access considering they’re all in the same network. Of course he’s aware that the blood transfusions aren’t working, it wasn’t meant as a long term fix, that his numbers are trending down despite treatment.

“Yeah, well...he ain’t need to know all that. It’s just mates, bruv, and I don’t need sympathy.”

“Of course, Eggsy,” Dr. Percival agrees.

They don’t discuss his condition further; Eggsy’s still not ready.

\---

“So,” Roxy shimmies her shoulders.

Eggsy frowns at her. “So?” She’s acting weird. “Why you looking at me like that?” He’s sleepy, feeling a bit more fatigue than usual. Dr. Everts said this would happen, eventually. Looks like sooner than Eggsy was ready.

“You and Merlin, eh?” She shoulders his arm.

“Grow up, Rox.” He rolls his eyes, ignoring her curiosity. “We’re just friends,” he insists.

She scoffs. “Come on. You’ve been seeing him the last two months, no kissing. Nothing?”

“Nope.” He’s being careful. Eggsy WANTS to kiss him, but he’s afraid to fall in love. “Just friends.”

Roxy groans, tossing her head back, and whines, “Eggsy!”

“Bruv! Ain’t you got a bird? Stay out of mine, yeah?” He’s irritable. Eggsy wants to get home and nap. He’s just not feeling too hot. Maybe he’s giving too much away, because Roxy shifts away with scrutinizing eyes.

“Are you alright?” She sounds concerned now. Fuck. “You’re looking a little pale,” she notes.

Eggsy blows hard between lips. “Yeah,” he sighs. “I’m just real tired, Rox. I haven’t been sleeping well.” It’s all he’s been doing when not at work or with Merlin. A walk with JB feels like a marathon lately, and he’s just over it all.

She eyes him a moment. “You promise?”

He can’t look at her. “Yeah...I’m okay,” he quietly lies.

\---

Dr. Everts talks him into a PICC line, a tube that goes from an artery in his arm to his heart, when he catches a cold that nearly throws him in hospital for a week. He’s fortunate it’s just four days of IV antibiotics, the rest he’s to take orally, and sent home with the line sticking out from the inside of his right bicep. She says it’ll make transfusion easier, now that he’s there once a week, though she’s talking about stopping them since his blood isn’t clotting properly due to massive intake of platelets.

Which Eggsy finds is why he’s so dog ass tired.

Eggsy’s careful to tape it up, leaving it concealed from the world, and goes on about his life as if he doesn’t weaken each day.

“I’d like to cook for ye,” Merlin says over the phone.

Eggsy wasn’t up for a trip down the boardwalk so he asks for a phone call instead. He’s in bed, resting with JB on his tummy, and munching on biscuits.

“Oh yeah? You a cook?”

He can hear Merlin’s smile. “I’ve been known to make a few things,” Merlin admits sheepishly. Eggsy grins into the phone. “So can I have ye over for dinner?”

It’s probably the first REAL date-y thing they do. But Eggsy agrees anyway.

“Good. Does saturday sound alright?”

“Yeah. Can’t wait,” Eggsy says brightly.

And he can’t, making sure he’s well rested for the evening, when Saturday rolls around.

“Oh, you look fine!” Roxy says from the foot of his bed. She’s watching him fret over the simple dark denim jeans, black cable knit jumper and trainers he put on. His hair is a disaster, unwilling to part and smooth down. Suddenly he’s wishing it were appropriate to wear a snapback in one’s house.

But Roxy’s got hold of them, saying he’s not walking around Merlin’s flat with a damn hat on. She’s right, he knows, doesn't mean he’s having any easier of a time with one stubborn strand of hair. Eggsy adds a bit more of the hair creme he uses so sparingly, running it through his honey-brown waves and works it into submission. After the fourth attempt he’s able to look presentable, at least, and turns for Roxy’s inspection.

“You look great!” Roxy beams up at him. She stands to pick a few hairs off his jumper, smooths his shoulders, and gives his nose a peck. “He won’t be able to resist you.”

Eggsy’s cheeks heat from the compliment. They’ve been on several outings, lunches, dinners, and even late nights in the pub. It was easy to get lost in Merlin’s hazel eyes, or the deep, rumbly tone of his voice. Eggsy finds himself drifting further and further into feelings he’s trying not to have, but it's awfully difficult when in Merlin’s company.

“We’re just mates,” he halfheartedly deflects. Roxy rolls her eyes. As if he can blame her, he’s beginning to doubt his own words the more he’s around Merlin. “Alright. Come on JB. Let’s get you out then I gotta go.”

JB hops around, dancing on his hind legs, and barks happily. Roxy takes a stroll up and down the street with them, gives Eggsy a parting kiss and demands a text once he’s home. JB is put in, kibble and water available, and heads to the address Merlin sent him.

The flat is nice, bigger than Eggsy’s, in a quiet neighborhood just on the outskirts of the City. Washed white stone paves the way to Merlin’s door, it’s a deep mustard yellow with a handsome ivy, green leaved wreath; turns out the bloke likes accents. He stands there a moment, wondering if he’s brought the right wine...white went, that’s what Merlin said the other night.

He’s stalling, he knows it. What if Merlin knows he’s here? That can be awkward. Eggsy works up the nerve, his knuckles meet the cool painted wood, and makes his arrival known after standing there for five minutes.

It takes Merlin a second to get the door open, easing some of Eggsy’s anxiety when he smiles brightly. It’s the kind he’s growing to love. No! That’s wrong. They’re just friends. Because love ain’t the conventional emotion here. Not when Eggsy’s got a ticking clock above his head, his days numbered without knowing the exact time-frame.

“Eggsy!” Merlin takes his hand, gives it a soft squeeze, and leans in to peck his cheek. He’s not sure what to do, but Merlin continues on as if Eggsy hasn’t frozen like an ice sculpture. “Ye look lovely,” he breathes.

His breath ghosts over his face thaws him, melting him into goo with the softest smile spread across his face.

“You too.” And he does, Eggsy notices, once he’s able to tear his eyes from Merlin’s clean shaven face.

Merlin’s in simple black trousers, pairing it with a heather grey cotton jumper, accentuating the muscles Eggsy’s suspecting of him to have all along, looking cool and comfortable while at the same time carrying a warmth around him. Eggsy wants to jump into his arms, burrowing against his broad chest, and live there forever. It’s not fair. For so many damn reasons.

“Come in.” Merlin gives his hand a tug, keeping hold of it the entire time, and leads Eggsy through the small foyer.

Everything’s in soft, warm colors. Even the walls. They’re a creamy caramel color, pictures of family, and some of what he’s assuming is the Scottish countryside, littering the walls. Giving Eggsy the feeling of a warm, soft wool blanket he wants to wrap himself in.

“Nice place, guv.” Eggsy’s eyes drift around.

It’s a bit more spacious than it looks from the outside, extending out with an open floor plan that allows airflow and appropriate light that doesn’t make the sitting room look too dark with his rich chocolate brown furniture. A large sectional dominates one wall, an ottoman to match is in front and it’s accented with a fireplace, caddy cornered to the left. Eggsy wants to dive onto the cushions, burrow there with the cream and beige knit throw that’s on the back of the sofa. But the weight of Merlin’s hand reminds him they have plans.

“Thank ye.” There’s a smile in Merlin’s tone. “I’ve been here a bit. It’s home.” Eggsy turns to smile at him. “Would ye like a drink? This would go well with dinner.” He holds up the wine. “I hope you like baked chicken.”

Eggsy hums delightfully. “Sounds amazing.” And it smells just as divine as he imagines. Herbs, spices, and rich scents waft through as he’s brought towards the kitchen where Merlin pours them a drink, and checks his meal. Eggsy settles on a bar stool in front of an island.

Everything’s just as cozy and delicate as the rest of his home. He takes a sip of dark amber liquid, enjoying the burn of Scotch down his throat, and watches Merlin in amazement. He’s not sure what he was anticipating but this wasn’t it. There’s just something domestic about him, a new way of observing the man he’s sure was living in a small flat with his computer to dominate the space. The scene before him is attractive, alluring even, Eggsy’s finding himself staring with a drunken grin when Merlin takes his roasting pan out to sit on the stove top.

“It needs to rest.” Merlin goes about his preparations, making small talk as he does, as if Eggsy isn’t gazing at him like he holds the universe.

It’s here, in Merlin’s home, Eggsy realizes he’s already in love with him. He’s not yet even had a first kiss, as if he needs to know how his lips feel against his to develop feelings, but it’s as if they’ve known one another for years. A deep rooted emotion Eggsy knows can’t be removed. It’s everything he was afraid of, yet doesn’t mean Merlin reciprocates and it’s better if he doesn’t.

“I’m happy ye agreed to come,” Merlin goes on to say, unaware of Eggsy’s internal chatter. “Means a lot.” He adds.

Eggsy’s grin is so wide, it hurts. “Yeah. Me too.” He leans in, sniffing the air with a soft sigh. “Smells like heaven.” Merlin’s answering smile melts his heart.

There’s not enough times to capture this, even if he’s here for a year or two, it still won’t feel like enough and that adds a sour taste to his palate. But Eggsy pushes it away, takes the glass of Chardonnay and follows Merlin into the dining room. He’s lit candles, a clear indication this is a date, soft music plays in the background giving a romantic ambiance. The company is far superior to the food, which is pretty damn good if Eggsy says so himself. Merlin pairs chicken with root vegetables, carrots, parsnips, and potatoes which were roasted with the protein. Before he knows it, he’s on his second helping without looking like a glutton, Merlin joins in as well, and heading toward that large sofa to share a third glass of wine, finishing the bottle off.

His brain is fuzzy from alcohol and the night, making it hard to focus on words leaving Merlin’s kissable lips. As the night drew on, so did their bodies, and soon Eggsy has a hold of Merlin’s hand, inching closer until he can feel the soft, hot puffs of breath against his face. He smells of wine, the chocolate torte with berries they just ate, and an aroma that’s unlike anything Eggsy can put his finger on; it’s far more intoxicating than the alcohol.

“I was beginning to worry ye didn’t see me this way,” Merlin softly says, his lips tracing words against Eggsy as he speaks.

Eggsy’s laugh is breathy, head swooning as he cups Merlin’s face to lean in proper. When their mouths touch it’s like sparks, fireworks exploding around them, filling his brain with hot air. His stomach flutters with butterflies, too. If he wasn’t holding onto Merlin, he’s sure he’d ascend the Earth. There’s something magical that happens, something Eggsy’s wishing hadn’t, because this ain’t a normal kiss.

Not the way Merlin presses into it, tilts his head just right, lips parting to allow Eggsy entry without a verbal confirmation, deepening what was to be a soft peck into a long, drawn out exchange that fills him from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. He’s soaring through the air, soul departing his body as his limbs shift in as the affection lingers.

Eggsy can feel the imprint of his lips as they part.

“I’ve wanted to do that for weeks,” Merlin breathely admits, sounding as short of breath as Eggsy feels.

“Yeah. Me too,” Eggsy agrees. It’s the truth if nothing else. He slips into Merlin’s space again, repeating the gesture with more heat than before.

And suddenly everything else falls away as he’s straddling Merlin, lips making a seal around Merlin’s, and helping one another out of clothes. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Eggsy reminds himself this is a first proper date, but his body doesn’t react to the reminder and continues it’s sexual advances with an eager form pressing up and into him, hips rotating against his to make arousal known. Making it very hard for Eggsy to rationalize how forward this may be, as he’s ripping open a condom, rolling it over Merlin’s long, hard impressively thick cock and lowering himself over with little prep; he’s always appreciative of the burn.

It’s worlds from the hot and heady sex he’s had in the past, this is soft, slow but an urgency buzzing beneath the surface. A new way to fuck, Eggsy supposes, and sure he’s not ever going to have anything better than this.

Merlin’s gentle, his hands are soft and sure, stroking up and down thighs, rounding out over to hold his bum as he bucks up, aiding in Eggsy’s bounces. They move in perfect unison, a rhythm Eggsy’s never been able to perfect during the first time, making it harder to envision his days without this man.

He can feel Merlin stiffen below him, and as much a gentleman Merlin is he takes hold of Eggsy’s cock, the neglect evident when he comes after two strokes. Creating a string of translucent white pearls to stripe up Merlin’s chest, making him look gloriously messy and spent. Eggsy eases down to capture slack, panting lips, drawing out oxygen to take into his own lungs as he comes down off his high, resting his forehead to Merlin’s until their chests rise and fall with ease.

They lie this way for a long time until a cloth is procured, wiping them of the mess made, and situating them for a cuddle. Eggsy’s almost asleep, comfortably exhausted from their escapades, that’s until he feels the cool plastic of his PICC line. He stills against Merlin’s chest, who’s now sleeping soundly, worrying he’s seen it. But there was little in the way of discussion after they did what they did.

Eggsy watches him for a long time, fighting the urge to sleep too, or flee without a goodbye. He’s just not ready for that explanation...he’s positive he never will be. So he doesn’t sleep, he’s up the entire night until dawn breaks and Eggsy slips pants and his shirt on. Merlin seems to be a heavy sleeper, because he doesn’t stir until Eggsy crawls back beneath his arms.

“Cold?” Merlin asks in his deep, warm sleep thick voice. It’s the sexiest thing Eggsy’s ever heard, and the man sounds pretty damn hot when he talks regularly. “I can get a fire going,” he offers, even as he wraps Eggsy in the knitted throw.

He is cold, yeah, but that’s not why he put clothes on. “Bit cold, yeah. But this is good,” Eggsy promises, stealing a kiss, and tucks his head beneath Merlin’s chin. Lying like this, Eggsy can hear his heart beating; it’s a strangely comforting sound.

Merlin hums, the sound vibrating through his ear, and pecks the top of his head. “Okay.” He tightens arms around him, holding Eggsy close to his chest, and drifts off again.

This time, with the security of his PICC line concealed, Eggsy sleeps too.

\---

“You did what?” Roxy asks from his small bistro table. Eggsy has a few eggs frying up, toast buttered and ready for the table. “Ain’t that a bit extreme?”

Eggsy shrugs, plates the eggs and brings them over where he sits across from Roxy. “It was in the moment, yeah? He’s good as fuck, by the way.” He winks.

Roxy huffs a breathy laugh. “Really? Months of pining and you just shag the first night?” She’s making it sound dirtier than it was. “Why the sudden change?” She wonders once they’ve eaten some breakfast.

There’s a moment of silence. Eggsy wasn’t able to put his finger on the urgency without showing her why he’s hurrying to do anything. Not that his bucket list was much bigger than kissing Merlin and spending an obscene amount of money on the Eye. He’s a simple man with simple tastes, and a small budget to be honest. It’s a little lonely carrying this weight with him, even if there’s doctors and therapists aware, no one Eggsy’s even remotely close with.

On a whim, he makes a hasty decision and lifts the sleeve of his right arm.

It takes Roxy a second to process what he’s showing her. Confusion, worry and fear cross her face, it’s like watching a wave roll by, he can make out each emotion with clarity; he wonders if it’s due to the fact that he’s waiting for her response.

“Eggsy?” Is what she finally says. His name is spoken like a question, her eyes crinkle as she studies the medical plastic that’s been there for little over a month. “What’s going on?”

Showing her ruins breakfast, he knows, but there’s no other way to go about this. She’ll know, eventually, as everyone else will. One day when he’s not at work, when he’s too sick and weak to make it out of bed, though he’s pretty much going to do whatever the fuck he wants until it’s physically impossible. But people will wonder, and those he loves, Eggsy wants to know.

“Remember when I had all those appointments?” He can see the dots connect as she recalls, nods, and allows him to continue. Eggsy explains it all, his timeline with treatment that doesn’t seem to be doing as much good as they were hoping, and waits.

She stares at him, expression blank far too long, there’s a plethora of emotions that cross her forehead, lining her smooth face with something greater than just fear. Eggsy catches her when she’s lunging at him, holds her and pretends a few of her tears don’t soak his neck, and doesn’t say anything.

What’s to say? It’s going to be okay? Because it won’t, and she ain’t stupid enough to believe that horseshit. This was what he didn’t want. Sympathy. Eggsy doesn’t want the people around him, the world to see him any differently. He’s still Eggsy fucking Unwin, and he ain’t gonna stop being himself until he stops breathing.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She’s angry as she pulls away, but stays in his lap. “You’re a fucking wanker. Were you just going to fuck off and leave me devastated?”

Eggsy wasn’t ready for that. “No. I didn’t want that, no,” he repeats. Eggsy bobs back, eyes slipping shut, and exhales loudly. “I didn’t want anyone to see me differently,” he softly admits. Her body relaxes against his. “I’m still me, you know?” He keeps his eyes closed. “Don’t wanna be remembered any other way.”

Warm soft lips press against his temple. “I’m mad at you, but I see what you are saying.” He didn’t expect her to react much differently. “Have you told Merin?”

His eyes snap open. “No!” Eggsy rushes to sit up, spilling Roxy out of his lap. “That’s why this whole thing is a bit fucked, yeah?!” He sounds manic.

Roxy glares at him, righting herself to stand, and takes her seat. “He’s going to find out, Eggsy. Weren’t you naked?” Eggsy nods. “Didn’t he see that?”

“I don’t think so, and if he did, he didn’t say anything.” Though he’s pretty fucking sure Merlin is the type of bloke to question. “I got dressed before he woke. Heavy sleeper,” Eggsy laughs. Roxy doesn’t return the sentiment. “Look,” he sighs. “I just want normal. I’m being careful.”

She eyes him carefully, and says, “Okay. But if you keep it up, you should tell him.”

Eggsy looks off toward his window over the sink. The sun is shining, it's a gorgeous day out, and he considers a walk with JB.

“I will,” he promises.

But he doesn’t have to, not yet. He’s too busy to worry about it. Rather he’s ignoring it as they lay together beneath a large duvet, watching My Fair Lady, and eating popcorn.

Merlin’s comfortable considering all his muscle, but the bloke has this softness about him. He’s gentle, caring, completely adoring in all the right ways that cause Eggsy to fall further and further in love with him.

“Ye know all the words?” Merlin murmurs against his neck, tickling him a bit. “Sounds lovely,” he comments after making Eggsy giggle.

Eggsy shimmies further into his hold, stretching out until his feet poke from beneath their cocoon. “So when I was younger, had crappy telly, this was the only thing on at night. It’s when we got the best channels.” Merlin hums, nosing beneath his ear. “I think I’ve seen it well over a hundred times, so it’s like a comfort yeah?” Back when Dean was drunk off his arse, not paying Eggsy no mind and he could find some entertainment during a rather shitty part of his life. "I sing it to my baby sis sometimes.”

“I’d love to meet them,” Merlin answers. “Ye speak of them often.” He says in regards to Eggsy’s mum and sister. He’s not realizing how much he DOES talk about them, but they’re his whole life.

“Mum would probably be tickled,” Eggsy says unthinkingly. “But they live in Wales.” He shrugs. “Long trip, right?”

Merlin’s fingers slip up and down his arm, Eggsy’s getting drowsy. It’s his usual lately, naps are a big part of his days and he finds it hard to deny himself anyway. Eggsy twists to meet hazel eyes, they’re warm and sweet, crinkling in the corners with a smile that Eggsy’s recognizing to be just for him.

“I wouldn’t mind making the trip.” There’s something serious beneath the simple offer. Eggsy can tell this is getting deeper, and not just for him...Merlin’s developing feelings too. Or maybe he’s overthinking everything. “If you want me to meet them, that is,” Merlin follows up with. He sounds a little nervous, as if he’s overstepping his boundaries, breaching an invisible line.

Eggsy shakes his head. “It’s not that I don’t want you to...think you’re great.” I love you, he leaves unsaid.

“But ye think it’s too soon,” Merlin finishes for him, and nods. “I understand.”

It seems a nerve has been struck, something Eggsy didn’t want to do. Fuck! He’s cocking everything up without even trying to. Without thinking, Eggsy wiggles from beneath their warmth, straddles Merlin’s lap to cradle his face between his palms and forces their eyes to meet.

“I do want you to meet one another, just at least let me tell her I have a bloke, yeah?” Merlin leans into Eggsy’s touch, turning so that lips touch his palm. “I wanted to keep you to myself...telling mum is like having a joint relationship. She’s going to be over the moon, and won’t let me have peace if I tell her.”

Merlin nods, “Alright.” Eggsy sags forward, relief heavy in the sigh he releases, to capture Merlin’s lips in a hard, full kiss. Merlin lifts up, tipping Eggsy back until he’s lying against the cushions, never breaking contact, while sure fingers pop the button off his jeans, easing down his zipper, freeing Eggsy’s hardening cock.

He’s always unexpectedly hard for Merlin, not that anyone can blame him. The man is fit, handsome as fuck, charming in such a delightful way, what’s there not to be attracted to? Eggsy tips up, aiding Merlin’s hands in disrobing him, but Eggsy only stops him once he reaches his top.

“I’m cold…” Eggsy lies. It’s only a half lie, really, but Merlin seems too eager for their physical activity to mind and doesn’t take it off. A rush of relief courses through him; he’s not ready to explain what his clothes conceal. “Merlin,” Eggsy moans, a breathy whisper, into his kiss.

Merlin’s lips form around his, fitting perfectly like the last piece of a puzzle, while he strokes Eggsy. His hands are warm, soft like velvet, providing strong languid movements along his hard dick. It’s all Eggsy can do from busting a nut right there, though the weight of Merlin on his chest, the heat of his body surrounding him seems to be enough to hold him.

They shift in perfect tandem, legs and arms sliding with ease along one another to better situate. This time Merlin’s in control, entering Eggsy with a soft moan that entices shivers up Eggsy’s spine, sending shocks through his brain like broken synapses. His muscles twitch and convulse from sheer ecstasy. Eggsy arches up, almost levitating off the sofa, into Merlin with a loud cry he’s sure the neighbors can hear, as Merlin strokes him into completion. A perfect and precise rhythm with his thrusts, leaving Eggsy to slump against the cushions with a hard huff.

He uses all the energy he can muster, taking Merlin’s face between eager palms, and pulling him into a deep, passionate kiss that says more of his feelings than words ever could. Love bleeds through his lips, breathing a silent language between gasps of air and long, lingering exchanges that scream with confessions not yet spoken into the world. It fills Eggsy’s lungs, warming him from the tips of his toes to the top of his head, making this act of intimacy that much more special. He grips to it, holding the feeling close to his heart and locking it away when the world will close on him, and he’s left with a ghost of what could have been...knowing this won’t last forever.

Merlin comes inside him, stilling as Eggsy drifts somewhere between longing and appreciation of this moment. He kisses the inside of Eggsy’s neck, lips wandering to his mouth and drawing Eggsy’s silent sobs from him. His face is a mask of pure love, Eggsy can see it written all over every line, deep within warm hazel eyes while Merlin drags a thumb down his cheek, catching the single tear he’s let escape.

“I love you,” Merlin whispers.

What he once was able to contain comes crashing around him, all the tears he’s held at bay rush down his face...he’s done what he so desperately tried to prevent. The weight of Merlin’s love encompasses him, it’s suffocating and maybe because he can’t breathe anyway.

“No,” Eggsy mutters foolishly. “No,” he repeats, even as he watches that crush Merlin.

“Eggsy…”

Eggsy shakes his head, “I need to go.”

“I’m…” Merlin lifts off of him, sitting back on his heels, and watches him scrambling to dress. “I’m sorry. I know it’s too soon.” He’s reaching for Eggsy. “Please, don’t leave.” The desperation in his voice kills Eggsy more than the confession.

He stops with his jumper in his hands, burying his face into the material and cries, because he’s going to break this man’s heart.

“It’s not that,” he murmurs, the clothing muffling his voice. “I love you, too,” Eggsy barely whispers. And yet somehow Merlin hears him, because he’s now pressing against him, hugging him from behind and kissing his neck. “Merlin…” It comes out with a hard sob. “Stop,” he begs. It’s a weak request. “I can’t!” Eggsy shrugs him off and steps forward, forcing space between them.

“You can’t?” Merlin asks. He knows his face is contorting into a grimace, Eggsy keeps his back to him...how can he look at him? It’s cowardice, Eggsy knows that, but he ain’t that strong. “Why?”

Eggsy can’t catch his breath. This is all too much and he can feel himself spiraling; he needs to leave.

“I just can’t.” Eggsy wipes his face and turns to face him. Merlin’s exactly the way he’s picturing him, frowning and broken, yet he’s concerned...which bother’s Eggsy more than it should. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let this get this far...I care about you so much, Merlin--”

“Ye said you loved me!” Merlin shot back.

Eggsy swallows around the lump in his throat and nods. “And I do--”

“And that’s a mistake?” Merlin interrupts again. His anger is palatable between them, heavy and thick, swirling around Eggsy like a poisonous gas. “Why?” Merlin demands, pressing for more than what Eggsy’s giving him.

All he does is shake his head and say, “Because I can’t.” And leaves Merlin asking more questions, shutting himself out, and running toward his car and speeding home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Since the fic is complete, written and beta together, I will post another, then one tomorrow. 
> 
> Thank you for those who are reading, I appreciate it so much!

“Why the change of heart?” Dr. Percival asks a week later.

Eggsy’s trying a new tactic, actually fucking talking about something other than Merlin. He has several voicemails, texts, even flowers sent to his cubicle at work. It’s all Eggsy can do to keep them, and not shove them into the rubbish bin; thanks Rox.

She’s trying to convince him into keeping them, calling Merlin and telling him the truth. But he’s professing his love and he doesn't deserve a year or less relationship with a dying man.

Eggsy stares at him, caught off guard for a moment, and considers his observation.

“You’ve not wanted to speak of this since coming to see me, four months ago. Why the change?” Dr. Percival cocks his head, analyzing Eggsy in a way that makes him uncomfortable. There is nothing warm and fuzzy about this man, he’s cold and calculating; Eggsy feels like a test subject. “Did something change?” He crosses a long leg over the other, folding his hands over a knee. “Are you getting worse?”

The questions overwhelm him, but Eggsy pushes past and shakes his head, then shrugs.

“Yes and no.” He’s steadily getting worse, yeah, but it ain’t in a way that prompts this sudden interest to speak of his diagnosis. A thin brow cocks at him, expecting further explanation and all Eggsy can do is shrug again.

What is he going to say? I’m in love. Yeah, sure. That would be the likely course, the SMART thing to say. Instead he clams up, shutting down in a way he has since their first appointment. Eggsy doesn’t want to talk about Merlin. That’s all he can think about. He’s all around him, in his head, on his desk with a small note that says ‘I’m Sorry’ as if he’s done anything wrong. Eggsy’s making a mistake...he’s already MADE one, and now he’s broken someone's heart.

It was one thing when only his feelings were being fucked with, it’s a whole other story when another person is involved.

“Well--” Dr. Percival goes to say, rising from his seat, likely calling time on the half hour Eggsy pissed away staring at his therapist.

But Eggsy blurts, “I love him.” That’s shock enough to cause his cool, calm, collected doctor to plop into his chair.

“Go on,” he encourages.

Eggsy laughs, eyes flit up to the ceiling as water collects in them, it’s a humorless sound.

“I love Merlin.” He gazes back at Dr. Percival with tear brimming eyes. “And he loves me,” he concludes.

Dr. Percival nods, for once his icy blue eyes are warming with something like sadness and empathy. “And is he aware of your prognosis?” Eggsy shakes his head, words failing him. “Hm,” he hums. Dr. Percival sighs, shifting his legs so he’s crossing the other. “Did you intend to tell him?”

“No.”

“Is that why you’re talking to me about it?”

Eggsy leans back, slipping down into his seat until his arse is just hanging off the edge, blowing a hard breath between pursed lips. “I guess?” He doesn’t know anymore. “I left him.”

That earns him a peculiar noise from his therapist.

“I thought he made you happy.” It’s not a question.

“He does!” Eggsy shot to his feet. “Fuck! He makes the world feel better!” Eggsy’s shouting, but he can’t give a mind to care. “I’ve never been happier with anyone else in my life!”

“So why would you leave him?”

Eggsy snarls, glaring at Dr. Percival, “Because I’m going to die!” Dr. Percival visibly leans back from the intensity of Eggsy’s response. “I don’t have time on my side, yeah? Why the fuck would I stick around, trouble him with my sickness, when he’s going to be heartbroken anyway?” He’s angry. There’s nothing fair about this, and it’s even worse for Merlin who has no idea he’s fallen in love with a sick man. “Love ain’t worth that kind of heartache.” Eggsy finishes, returning to his seat, and dropping his head into his palms.

“Did Merlin tell you this?” Dr. Percival challenges, sounding like he already knows the answer.

Eggsy pops his head up. “What?” He squints at him, face contorting into a hard frown. “Wot you on about?”

Dr. Percival refrains from an eye roll and explains, “You said love isn’t worth the heartache...that he doesn’t need to be troubled, yes?” Eggsy slowly nods. “Okay. So did he actually tell you this? Did you give him the choice to decide that for himself?”

Eggsy feels stupid. It doesn’t make sense. “Who would choose this?”

For the first time in four months, his therapist looks exasperated and Eggsy’s given him a lot to become frustrated with.

“It doesn’t matter who would or would not. The point I am trying to make, is that you have stripped him of that option,” Dr. Percival says carefully. “You’ve decided he’s not allowed to CHOOSE what he is and is not willing to put up with. You are keeping him in the dark, purposefully, and assuming he’s going to leave you.” Eggsy doesn’t speak. What he’s saying makes too much sense...it hurts. Dr. Percival takes a deep, steadying breath, puts his notebook down to scoot forward and actually looks like he wishes to comfort Eggsy. “You will never know how he feels, outside of his love for you, if you do not talk to him. Otherwise you’re going to agonize over the thought of putting someone through heartache, when you’ve already done it.”

All he can do is nod, thank him for his time, and leave with a heaviness in his chest.

\---

Eggsy wasn’t sure what to do, so he calls his mum and makes the trip for a long weekend. King was less than enthused when Eggsy calls into work, but he ain’t about to explain why and just gives him a standard ‘don’t feel good’ answer. He at least gives Roxy an explanation on his way to Wales.

“Egg!” Daisy rushes him, tackling his legs, and tries to climb into his arms. Eggsy drops his bags, swings his girl up and cuddles her to his chest. He’s been missing her. “Mummy! Egg here!” She shouts at the top of her lungs.

Eggsy laughs, “Mum knew I was coming, silly.” He boops her nose, hiking her better on his hip, and grabs his things. “Hey, mum.” Her smile is wide as she pulls him into a tight hug, smooshing Daisy between them. “Missed you…” Emotion catches in his throat, making it impossible to say more than that.

When Michelle pulls back, her eyes are careful, studying him as if she can see past the big grin he has plastered to his face. Eggsy tries to fool many, but often forgets he can’t always fool the person who gave him life. A life that’s going to be cut short far sooner than anyone ever anticipates. But he shoves that aside in favor of littering Daisy’s plump cheeks in kisses, carrying her off into the sitting room to play Princesses.

It is her favorite, after all.

Michelle doesn’t say anything the entire day, she’s always sitting back, watching. Eggsy notices her in his peripheral, a careful eye on him as if he’s going to crack at any moment. Sometimes he feels like he will, like when Daisy draws him a family picture of the three of them. Proclaiming them to be the Unwin’s forever! That she loves him more and misses him so much. His chest is tight through dinner, he’ll never know what she’ll be like as an adult. His own turmoil is enough to distract him from Merlin, which is exactly what he needs. Perhaps not in this specific scenario, but he’s thankful to have the man he loves off his mind.

“Come sit with me, babe.” Michelle pats the cushion beside her, once he’s down from getting Daisy to sleep.

He shuffles over, allowing her to yank him flush to her side, humming as the scent of peonies and roses fill his nose. An old scent she wore when his dad was alive, something that made him feel safe and secure, it meant home. It’s then he wonders if his dad is watching over him, guiding him through this new and final journey of life. He’s often curious what’s beyond this life, if he’ll actually have a chance to see the man he misses more than words can provide.

“What’s wrong with my egg?” Her fingers move through his hair, smoothing it back with each stroke, her voice is soft, “You’re troubled, babe.”

There’s enough on his plate, Eggsy knows he’s doing a piss poor job containing the despair he’s feeling. And yet it isn’t his impending fate, not really, he always circles back to Merlin. Seeing his hard eyes in his dream, hearing the confusion in his voice when he asks Eggsy why. He wishes that the explanation were easy. It isn’t, not even when he wants to tell his mum what’s up.

“Yeah,” he allows in a watery whisper. ‘Course he’s cocking it up somehow. “I’m fine though,” he tries to dismiss. Which ain’t all that convincing, not when she tisk, shakes her head and leans away enough to look at him. His eyes are anywhere but on her.

How can he properly face her and lie like his whole life ain’t crumbling? He can’t. So he chooses to focus on the new little table and chairs set he sent a month ago, when he wasn't coming up as much while he had to conserve his immune system. Which really he should be doing now, but he just couldn’t do this all alone; he needs his mum.

Michelle’s gaze is intense, boring through the side of Eggsy’s face like a red hot iron ready to melt past his flesh; it was daunting, to say the least.

“It’s a guy,” Eggsy finally admits. He ain’t leaving this flat without SOME sort of explanation. “We were sorta seeing each other...and he said he loves me.” Eggsy counts the different colored polka dots on Daisy’s tabletop. There are six. He wonders if Daisy knows them all, he should practice with her tomorrow.

“And?” Michelle probes, gently, as if she ain’t vibrating with excitement beside him. “Do you love him back?”

How does he articulate a response without telling her everything? Eggsy’s backed himself into a corner, unable to find his way out but to think fast.

“I do,” he finally says. “I love him so much it physically hurts.” And isn’t that the sad fucking truth. Everything about this pains him, deep into his bones. It all makes breathing hard, harder than the side effects from his treatments, and that’s pretty fucking bad. Some days getting out of bed has him winded. “I don’t know what to do,” he blubbers in a watery whisper.

“Oh, baby.” Michelle pulls him, tucking his face against her neck, making shushing sounds she usually has for Daisy when she’s upset. “You’re scared, ain’t you?” It’s like she can read his mind without him having to verbalize. “Is it because of what happened to your dad? And how I was with Dean?”

He shouldn’t use his parents' story, and the aftermath, as an excuse for the pain he feels, but it’s better than dropping the bomb on his mother. Eggsy has to, at some point, but he just can’t right now. There’s just so much to do, so many people to tell, it’s overwhelming when he thinks of it. Though that ain’t why he’s here...and he’s turning a visit, a distraction, into an ordeal.

“Yeah,” he murmurs, voice small and breathy. “Just...don’t know what to do with these feelings.” Dr. Morton’s advice crashes around him, deep down Eggsy knows what he has to do, and it's annoying to see that cool, calm face in his mind while he cries against his mother’s shoulder. Taking full advantage of her kindness...he’s a shit son. “What if it doesn't workout?” There, he can be concerned about that, because it can go tits up.

“And what if it does?” She asks tenderly, lips pressing to his hairline. “My baby boy, you’ve worried so much for so long. Let yourself be happy.” Michelle rocks them. “It’s all going to be okay. You’ll see.” Her confidence is what he needs to make his decision, to finally muster up enough courage and tell Merlin. “Okay?” Nails scratch along his scalp as she runs her fingers through his hair, a slow caress that makes him sleepy.

Not that he’s needing much help with exhaustion these days.

“Yeah...thanks.” He lifts away long enough to peck her cheek, tucking himself back into the safety of her warmth and security, before he drifts off to the vision of hazel eyes in front of him.

That night he dreams of a life where two men share a quaint home, a married life and grow old together with dogs following them close on a walk. It’s crystal clear enough that when he sits up the next morning, head filled with the scene, he gets his chrome book out and starts typing. It’s the first time in months since he’s had the muse, and ambition, to write.

And when he’s telling the story of these two men, one older than the other, all he can see is himself and Merlin. Happy, in love and growing old enough to know what the other looks with wrinkling skin and spotted hands. Something he’s sure he’ll never see, but he can create a life he’s going to miss out on.

Eggsy leaves his mother on a Sunday, kissing her with the promise he’ll visit again real soon, and heads off to finish writing before he loses the words. When he’s run out of juice for the day, it's after eight at night, and he takes his phone to dial Merlin.

“Eggsy,” Merlin answers, relief thick in the greeting.

Eggsy takes a moment to say, “Can we talk?” Merlin agrees, as Eggsy knew he would, and is over twenty minutes after Eggsy sent the address. He needs the comfort and security of home; Merlin doesn’t question him.

“Thanks for coming.” Eggsy smiles, holding the door open and allowing him in. “Just got back from my mum’s, so ain’t had time to clean.” As if he has the energy to do that anyway; he doesn’t. “Please, sit.” He motions for Merlint to join him on the sofa.

Once he does, that’s when Eggsy finally gets a proper gaze at him. He looks good, put together in a dark pair of denim with an old band T, a cardigan over it like the adorable middle-aged man he was; Eggsy found it extremely attractive. If he wasn’t about to divulge his entire prognosis, Eggsy would make a few moves on him.

“How are you?” Is the first thing out of Merlin’s mouth. “Ye look tired, are you not sleeping?” Why does he have to be so damn observant all the time? Eggsy growls in his head. “Because I love you,” Merlin answers with a frown.

Eggsy blinks. “Fuck. I said that?” Merlin nods. Eggsy smacks his forehead. “Christ. I can’t even think straight.” Part of the reason being he’s just typed over six thousand words; his brain is a bit fried. Merlin cracks a mildly amused smile. “Sorry. I am tired.”

The smile fades. “Oh?”

“Yeah.” Eggsy sighs, tapping his knees. “Fuck, I gotta just say it.” Now Merlin looks confused, wow he’s just fucking this up. “I love you, Merlin,” he starts.

“But you can’t see me,” Merlin finishes. “And ye can’t even tell me why.” Suddenly his anger after their love confession came full force, maybe even double that. “And I’ve tried to text you, call you, and send you flowers because I thought I was too forward.”

“Fuck, it ain’t you, guv. Yeah? It’s me.” Merlin rolls his eyes. “I swear down, it is. I love you. I really honest to fuck do, but it just wouldn’t work out.”

“Ye sound like every fucking cliche, Eggsy. And here I thought you were different.” Merlin laughed to himself, it was a humorless sound that hurt Eggsy’s heart. “I knew you were young, aye? But ye seemed to have your head on right, and I thought we could be something different and not some young prick who fucked off after four months.”

Eggsy is taken aback by his anger, and honesty if he’s even being honest with himself. But he doesn't blame him, Merlin has every right to be angry right now, to feel like Eggsy is betraying him.

Despite his efforts, he’s led Merlin on.

“I’m sick,” Eggsy blurts when Merlin opens his mouth to say more. “I’m...sick, Merlin. It ain’t that I don’t want you.” His eyes well. “Shit,” Eggsy chokes on a sob. “I want you. I love you, I do...I have for a bit and…” He looks up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. “And I’m fucking sick…”

Merlin’s silence is louder than anything else. Eggsy drops his gaze, trying desperately to grasp control over his emotions. But Merlin makes him feel a million things, things he wants to shut off completely. Because it would be a fuck of a lot easier to not be able to love at all, than to do this to himself AND someone else.

“Do you have cancer, Eggsy?” Merlin quietly asks. “Are ye going through some sort of treatment, afraid I wouldn’t want to be with you?” Jesus Christ, is he a bloody mind reader, too?

That time Eggsy keeps it to himself.

He shakes his head, his eyes locking on Merlin’s hands which are now outstretching toward him; Merlin wants to comfort HIM!

“No. It ain’t.” Eggsy blows a long breath out tight lips and explains everything to Merlin. Tells him every detail right from his first appointment to present, where he has a blood transfusion tomorrow after work. Eggsy’s crying by the end of it. “And I can’t...I can’t stay with you, when I ain’t even gonna be here within the next year.” His chest hurts, everything aches like his bones are breaking. Maybe he’s dying, maybe this conversation could physically kill him.

A long, slender finger presses under his chin, lifting Eggsy’s face until he’s met with a pair of hazel eyes. They’re so incredibly warm and loving, kind and without judgement. Somehow it’s worse to look at that, than to know Merlin might walk away. Because nothing about the way Merlin looks at him says he’s going anywhere, and that’s what he was afraid of deep down. As he realizes what Merlin’s expression says, Dr. Morton was so wrong. Eggsy was terrified Merlin was going to stay, and watch him die...no one deserves that.

“Eggsy,” Merlin starts.

“No...no! Don’t you be some fucking hero and say you wanna be with me. That this ain’t gonna be the worst fucking thing. That we’ll make the most of it!” Merlin’s hand forms against his cheek, cradling it as if Eggsy’s a fragile doll. He wants to pull away, instead he leans in while Merlin continues as if he’s never spoken.

“I am 50 years old...I’ve lived over half my life, and I’ve finally just found the love of my life.” Eggsy’s head bows, but Merlin’s hand keeps it upright; holding him up. “And knowing you love me, like I love you, and that we can’t have ANYTHING. Not even another minute together? That hurts more than the thought of you leaving me after a month, 2 or fuck, who knows? Could be 12 more…”

“I’m going to die,” Eggsy argues. It’s a weak reminder, despite the depth of meaning. “I’m going to leave you...heartbroken.”

Merlin shook his head. “No. What will break my heart is if I leave this flat, knowing I’ll never get to see you again.”

Eggsy screws his eyes shut, tears squeezing past his lids. “Don’t do this,” he begs.

“Don’t love you?”

“Don’t promise me some shit about you being okay.”

Merlin’s silent for a long moment, long enough Eggsy looks at him. “I won’t be,” he murmurs. “I can’t sit here and tell you I’m this strong man, that losing you won’t hurt me. But I’d rather have five minutes of something special, than a lifetime of nothing.”

Eggsy sobs until he’s laughing, a hysterical sound that has Merlin questioning his sanity. “You got that from Steel Magnolias,” he giggles.

Soon Merlin’s frown tips up, matching Eggsy’s beaming grin. “Aye. Ye made me watch it.” He takes Eggsy’s face between large palms, forcing him to sober up enough and meet his eyes. “But I do mean that. I don’t know much about this, but I know I want to love you. I want to meet your mum, to hold you every night I can...and maybe ask you to marry me.” All the air leaves Eggsy’s lungs in a rush. “I love ye, Eggsy Unwin, and there isn’t any other man I want to spend my life with. Will you marry me?”

“Merlin…”

“Be my husband.”

Eggsy doesn’t know what to say, yes would be the proper answer to how he’s feeling, so he tips in until he’s colliding with Merlin. It happens so fast that he doesn’t have time to register that they are completely naked with Merlin brushing a thumb along his PICC line, and taking Eggsy like it’s their first and last time.

And in the dark of night, swathed beneath the plus throw from the back of his sofa, limbs intertwined with one another, Eggsy whispers, “Yes.”

\---

“Engaged?” Roxy squeals the following Monday. “Fuck! I thought you were just gonna tell him, not propose.”

Eggsy’s too happy to feel bashful. “I didn’t, he did.” He settles at his desk with a coffee and blueberry muffin. “I wasn’t going to,” he explains as he logs in. “But…” Eggsy shrugs.

“You still feel guilty, don’t you?” She can read it without him saying so. “You don’t have to be, you did what your therapist suggested. You gave Merlin the choice.” Everything she says is true, but it doesn't make him feel any less shitty about something that should bring him joy. “It’ll be just fine, yeah?” She reaches over to squeeze his hand, pecks his temple, and gives it a reassuring pat. “Gonna make a gorgeous bride.” She winks.

“Oi!” Eggsy throws a punch, missing her arm but gets her back. “Wanker,” he mutters despite the smile playing on his lips.

The next month is spent combining households. Eggsy finally let go of his small flat, ain’t like he needs to leave that for Merlin when he’s gone, and agrees to move in with Merlin.

“That’s it!” Eggsy wipes his hands together. “Nothing left in that place. Cleaned out, and ready for the next tenant.” Merlin comes up, sweeping him up into his arms and dipping him low for a slow, lavish snog that leaves Eggsy lightheaded when he’s put back to rights. “Well...nice welcome home kiss, eh?” He lifts on tiptoes for another, sweeter exchange.

“Welcome home, indeed,” Merlin hums against his lips. JB barks and claws at Merlin’s leg, making his presence known, coaxing a warm chuckle from the older man. “And welcome home to you, too.” He lets go of Eggsy long enough to crouch down, giving the needy pug a few scritches and tummy rubs.

“You sure you’re good with mum and Dais spending the weekend?”

After their engagement, much to Michelle’s pleasure and surprise, they told all their family and friends of the couples news.

“Of course.” Merlin yanks Eggsy back into his arms, hands smoothing down and around his bum. “They can come as often as they want,” he assures.

Eggsy kisses the underside of Merlin’s jaw. “Yeah. I’m sure she’ll take you up on that offer more.”

Merlin’s chin shifts, his gaze on Eggsy and he knows what Merlin will ask before he does. “Are ye going to tell her?”

It’s been an ongoing discussion, mostly because Merlin saw the extent of what Eggsy goes through. The treatments ain’t all that bad, but Merlin swore 2 nights out of his week spent in a clinic, getting new red blood cells and platelets infused into his body was no picnic. Eggsy always shrugs, says he’s growing accustomed to it.

“No, babe.” Eggsy pushes away to take a crate of his shoes into the bedroom. “I’m not ready.” He hears, and can feel, Merlin come to stand in the doorway. “She’s got enough going on in her life, don’t need her worrying about me too.” He can feel Merlin's eyes roll. “You said you’d support me.” Eggsy turns to face him. “That you ain’t gonna treat me differently…” Of course there WERE going to be differences, everything was done with an urgency now.

Merlin sighs, unfolding his arms, and crosses the room to hold Eggsy’s hips. “I do support you.” He lowers his face to look Eggsy in the eyes. “And have I treated you differently?” Eggsy shakes his head. “Right. But telling yer mum widens your support system.”

Eggsy knows he means well, but it doesn't change anything. He shakes Merlin off and finishes putting his trainers away. “Not ready,” he mutters, head deep within the closet. He’s thankful when Merlin says he’s going to take JB out, because Eggsy can go cry in the shower without worrying that Merlin will see how hard this is for him.

Sometimes Merlin’s support is crushing...because Eggsy logically knows he’s right, it’s just he’s going to do this all on his own time. And it ain’t time to tell his mum.

Who is happier than a kid on Christmas morning when she finally meets Merlin in person.

“Oh, Eggsy! Look at him! Tall and handsome!” She all but gropes Merlin’s biceps “Aren’t you a catch! Too bad you weren’t into birds.” Michelle winks full of mirth and teasing.

“Ugh! Mum!” Eggsy tosses his head back with a groan. “Don’t be so embarrassing!” He whines a bit more as Michelle gushes over Merlin, which he finds out causes his finance to blush so prettily; Eggsy will have to play with that a bit more later.

Daisy is a little more skeptical of Eggsy’s bloke, eyeing him from her perch on Eggsy. Where she decides she’s not leaving most of the evening. Eventually, though, the youngest guest warms up when Merlin reveals he has a Disney + subscription, which is really Eggsy’s, but who’s paying attention? And it’s all over from there.

The rest of the night Merlin’s got a lap full of toddler, watching and singing along to all the Disney Princess songs. He even agrees to wear her pink plastic tiara, that really doesn’t stay on his head for several reasons, but he wears it with pride. She’s so charmed by him by the end of the night, she requests he read her a bedtime story during tuck in. Which, of course, Eggsy is still permitted to do, even with her new friend.

“She looks like she wants to marry you,” Eggsy laughs outside her door. They’re staying in the guest bedroom. “Too bad I got to you first, hm?” He grabs Merlin for a hard kiss, since the girls’ arrival they haven’t been able to manage much more than a peck.

“Aye! Too bad for me.” Merlin hangs his head in faux defeat. “How will I go on?”

Eggsy giggles, “Cheeky.” He steals another, one filled with tongue, burning with a deep passion. He’s about ready to strip Merlin right there, until his mum clears her throat, causing the two to jump apart. “Uhm. She went down okay.”

Michelle eyes them with a ghost of humor in her eyes. “I’m sure she did.” She slips past them for the door. “I’m turning in for the night, as much as I’d like to stay up. It's been a long day.” Michelle presses a goodnight kiss to Eggsy’s cheek. “Do try to keep it down, yeah?”

Before Eggsy can find words to that, she leaves them while Merlin coughs into a fist to hide his laughter.

“She’s…”

“Right.” Merlin growls in his ear, sweeping him off into their room where they try to keep Eggsy’s moans to a minimum.

The pillow does a rather good job.

\---

“You sure you wanna be here?” Eggsy asks as the nurse hooks his PICC to the machine that will push blood through and into his artery. “It takes about 5 hours from start to finish,” he continues, settling himself against the reclining chair with a warm blanket. It was a pretty nice accommodation to this procedure, seeing as he usually chills within the first hour.

Merlin sits beside him, a book in hand and a soft smile that warms his chest. Often Eggsy thinks how lucky he is, to have someone so selfless and caring beside him through what isn’t a pretty ending.

“I’m sure.” Merlin takes his hand, squeezes it reassuringly, and presses a tender kiss to his lips. “What do you usually do while you’re here?”

Up until this very moment, Eggsy’s kept his appointments a solitary affair, but Merlin was an inquisitive mind. Asking all sorts of questions regarding his treatments, even offering to not only sit with him through a transfusion, but accompany Eggsy to appointments. Part of him still wished to shield Merlin, protecting him from the reality of what is his life now...the life Merlin is CHOOSING to take part in.

Which is still a completely foreign concept to Eggsy.

Eggsy shrugs, “I usually sleep.” He’s got nothing else to do, maybe poke about his phone. Though, he supposes writing is an option, not that he’s done much of that before his visit with Daisy and his mum. “I’ve read a little bit,” he adds.

“Well.” Merlin leans back into the plastic folding chair, crossing a long leg over the other, keeping their fingers linked. “Don’t let me stop you then.” He winks. “I’ll be right here.” A thumb strokes up and down Eggsy’s hand, making him feel more at ease than he has through this entire experience.

Eggsy wants to jump up and straddle his lap. “I love you.” Is what he whispers instead, intimately aware of the damage that can be caused if he dislodges his IV.

“I love you too.” His answer is always simple, yet containing the weight of an elephant. It’s never too much, somehow the right amount of comfort and heat that easily lulls Eggsy into a deep slumber.

Merlin ends up going to 3 more transfusions, an appointment where he receives an injection to boost his white blood cells, and takes him for lunch afterward. It’s a routine, something Eggsy can get used to, but he knows as well as Merlin that they’re buying time. Nothing will stop what his body lacks to produce, and there aren't any bone marrow donors to match Eggsy, even if he’s on the waiting list. But he knows donors are few and far between, most cases they come from family members like siblings. And isn’t like he’s subjecting Daisy to that, another reason he isn’t telling his mum; she’d do anything to save him...he knows that.

“My heart?” He hears Merlin call from the hall. Eggsy should be out of bed by now, but he’s just so tired. The thought of getting out of bed is exhausting. “Eggsy?” Merlin’s in the doorway now. “Coffees on. I’ve made scrambled eggs and toast...your favorite with cheese on top.” Eggsy loves him more than Merlin will ever know. “Ye have work today, aye?” The bed bows behind him with Merlin’s weight, a long arm loops around his waist to pull him into a warm cuddle. Velvety lips press below his ear. “Do you need to call in?”

Eggsy shrugs; he doesn’t want to. Deep down he should listen to his body, take a day of respite, but he longs for normalcy, even if there's a clock above him, ticking down until he’s run out of time.

“I’ll call the office for you,” Merlin murmurs when Eggsy doesn’t answer. He doesn’t stop him, and surely doesn’t cry when Merlin calls his own job to let them know he’s not coming in. “We’ll just have a lie in.” Merlin promises as he slips back beneath sheets and blankets, taking Eggsy back into his arms and kisses a wet cheek.

They don’t talk, Merlin doesn’t pester him about diets and importance of food, but does make sure he drinks fluids and at least one meal replacement shake; it means so much more than Eggsy can voice.

The days start to pass in similar fashion, except Eggsy forces himself out after that day and goes into work. Roxy’s worrisome gaze causes for alarm, surely, Eggsy knows he doesn’t look so great. It’s a downward spiral, he knew it was going to happen sooner or later, the treatments just aren’t working as well as they had the first go round.

“Eating tums a lot, aren’t you?” Roxy murmurs after lunch. Eggsy crunches on the chalky little tablets that dull the ache in his chest. Her voice is lower when she asks, “Is it a normal symptom?”

Eggsy shakes his head. “Been eating a bit more spicy foods.” Truth of it he wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe it was from treatment, perhaps it was just acid reflux.

“Then back off on it.” She turns back to her computer.

“Yeah. I should.” But he ain’t going to, not when he only has X amount of months left...he’s going to eat whatever the fuck he wants.

\---

“Mum! It’s just a small ceremony!” He yanks at the collar of his dress shirt. They decide no suits, just fancy button downs and crisp trousers. “I don’t need a bloody tie!” Eggsy bats her hands away. He doesn't want a damn tie! “Would you... “ He tries to escape her clutches.

Michelle is quicker somehow. No, he knows how. But she doesn't and he’s keeping it that way as long as he can, even as the symptoms worsen and it feels like so much work to exist.

“Oh stop! You need a little something.” She fastens a white rose boutonniere that looks rather nice against his deep plum dress shirt. Silver and plum, that’s what they wanted, and it wasn’t any surprise that Merlin found it befitting to dress in silver. “You look beautiful,” she gushes. “I’m so proud!” His smile is tender while he sweeps tears off her face. “My baby is getting married!”

Daisy stops twirling in her over the top flower girl dress to glare at their mother. “I baby!”

Eggsy laughs, lifts her up into his arms, and spins them around the room until they’re a blur of plum and silver frills. “You ARE the baby! And such a pretty one, too!” Daisy giggles and howls until she’s begging him to stop.

“Both my babies!” Michelle reminds them sternly. “Now hold still. I need a picture.” Her phone clicks about 30 times until Eggsy’s had enough and Roxy pops in to tell them it's time.

“Alright Flower, you first babe. Walk with mum.” Eggsy plants big, wet kisses all over her cheeks before she wiggles out from his grasp and toddles off with Michelle holding her little hand.

Roxy loops an arm through his with a large smile on her face. “Ready?”

For once Eggsy’s loss of breath isn’t caused by his illness, but sheer anxiety from what’s about to happen. It’s the best feeling he’s felt in what seems like his entire life. They walk from the spare bedroom towards the back door that leads out to the small garden, where their guests of 10 are located, along with the other groom.

“I am.” Eggsy’s never felt more sure about something in his life. “Thanks for walking me, yeah?” He loves this person so much, almost more than he loves Merlin, his mum and sister.

Roxy’s shoulder bumps against his, her grin is blinding. “Wouldn’t rather it be any other way.”

Before he can add more, they’re being ushered out into the sun, it’s blindingly bright and warm for September. The perfect day to get married, Eggsy thinks to himself as they make the short, slow trip toward a quaint pergola decorated in roses and lilies. But that’s not what holds Eggsy gaze, it’s the man below it.

Merlin’s lips stretch so wide, it almost looks painful, but his eyes shine brighter than the sun, lighting up Eggsy’s world until that’s all he can see. Of course he’s impeccably dressed in his silver button down, freshly shaven from the top of his head to his perfect chin, looking just as attractive as the first time Eggsy’s lay eyes on him.

What’s supposed to be a small distance, feels like a mile until he reaches Merlin, their hands locking together with a vice grip, as if this will keep them together for eternity, and reality isn’t a dark cloud looming over them. But those days are ahead of them, they have today which is the moment their love is professed in front of their small audience. It’s everything Eggsy can dream for himself, if he has the time to think of what he’d want in a wedding. He’s sure anything with Merlin would be magical, even if they married at the justice hall.

“I now pronounce you husbands.” The officiant proclaims, as if they need a verbal confirmation of their relationship. But it’s official now!

Husband. A word Eggsy never thought he’d associate with himself, but here they are! Locking lips with the other, snogging as if there isn’t a small child present. Not that it matters, they’re married, and their small crowd claps for them.

Merlin and Eggsy share their first dance as husbands in the sitting room to Christina Perri: A Thousand Years. A song befitting of their relationship and current situation. The reception leading is intimate and beautiful. Nothing fancy or upscale but they do have the little Italian restaurant from down the street that caters their meal.

“We’ll be leaving in the morning.” Michelle tells Eggsy at the end of the night. “Gotta get back to work.”

Eggsy gives her a kiss. “I know.” She’s been at their flat the past week, making Eggsy’s disappearances for infusions interesting. He went to one, forgoing the other, which Dr. Everts didn’t seem to have a problem with.

“Get some sleep.” Michelle pats his cheek. “You look tired.” He’s bone deep exhausted. “I love you.” She pecks his nose.

“Love you too.” Eggsy waits for her to close the door before returning to his own room. He falls face first onto the bed; Merlin chuckling behind him.

“I guess no newly married sex?” He doesn’t sound that put out by it. “That’s okay,” Merlin assures. He takes one of Eggsy’s feet and starts removing his oxfords, one at a time, then works on his socks. “We can have a newly married cuddle.” Eggsy snorts into the duvet. “Roll over.” Merlin whacks his bum. Eggsy complies, his grin is soft and dopey when Merlin zeros in on the bulge in his pants. “Well...I guess newly married sex after all, hm?”

Eggsy pushes up until he’s in the middle, and helps Merlin get his clothes off.

It’s not the hot, sexy, needy sex he would expect on their wedding night, but it’s slow, soft and perfect with Merlin doing most of the work. The man doesn’t seem to care and Eggsy’s too tired to object. They fall asleep, naked, in one another's arms. And it’s the only place Eggsy wants to be.

\---

“How’s married life treating you?”

Eggsy smiles, “Good.” It’s a nice change from their usual conversation. “Been a month.” He rubs his chest, frowning, and reaches into his pocket to pop a few antacids and chews them.

Dr. Percival eyes him a moment. “Well I’m happy for you,” he replies sincerely. “Are you feeling well?” He asks after a minute of watching burp and soothe away the burn in his chest. “You are a little pale,” he observes.

“I’m always pale, bruv,” Eggsy snaps. He sighs a bit. “Sorry...just ain’t feeling well.”

“More than usual?” Eggsy nods. “Have you told your physician?”

“Nah...knew they’d get worse, yeah?”

“But are they new symptoms, Eggsy?” Dr. Percival prompts. He’s put his notebook down, looking like he’s going to stand and comfort Eggsy.

His chest flares, left arm aching. “What…?” Eggsy goes to ask what he’s doing, except a sharp pain up the left side and across his chest cuts him off. Suddenly he can’t breathe, it feels as though an elephant is sitting on his chest, and faintly hears Dr. Percival calling 999.

There’s added pressure against his chest, it takes Eggsy a moment to realize Dr. Morton is forming his own hand into a fist and holding it to Eggsy’s body.

Is he having a heart attack?

“I think so,” Dr. Percival answers the question Eggsy didn’t hear himself ask.

Great. A blood disorder ain’t gonna kill him, but a goddamn heart attack. He doesn’t want to die!

“I’ve got you, son. You won’t die.” Again, Dr. Percival responds to what Eggsy thinks is his thoughts. “You just hold on.” He looks worriedly at Eggsy, but his grasp is comforting...the man cares.

Eggsy nods his head and tries to keep himself conscious until medics arrive, then everything goes dark.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's safe t say I have the patience of a five year old. I will post the last chapter later tonight, because I'm sure most viewers are waiting for completion. Plus I know it's a hard story, so those of you who choose to read, thank you. It means more than you know.

It’s not one of those go blank, can’t remember what happens, rather than it’s exhausting to try and figure it all out. There’s so many people, Eggsy doesn’t remember half their names, nor does he try very hard to anyway. He hears things like blockage, heart attack, too many transfusions resulting in clotting ‘he’s lucky it wasn’t a stroke’ sticks out among the rest. Eggsy’s in and out enough that he doesn’t question it.

Yeah. He is lucky.

What seems like days pass before the cloud lifts, whatever weight that’s held him down releases and he’s free. At least weightless enough to open his eyes, taking in his surroundings which he knows to be hospital, with machines and wires all around him. Eggsy wishes he wasn’t so bloody familiar with a hospital at this point, but he is, at least it takes him less time than a normal person to figure out he’s in ICU, clearly attached to a heart monitor; that’s new. There’s a chill, like every other time when in hospital beds because it’s like they don’t keep these rooms warm enough, except where his right arm lies.

Something heavy, warm and a bit scratchy resides against it. Quick inspection leads him to form a sad smile for the man sleeping, using his arm as a pillow.

Merlin’s back will hurt, he’s bent over from his spot in the hard plastic chair. Since apparently hospitals can’t do no better for the patient’s loved one.

Eggsy wiggles his fingers, they’re a little numb, arousing Merlin from his slumber.

“Eggsy,” Merlin whispers as realization clears cloudy, sleep deprived eyes. He’s looking a bit shit, dark circles under his eyes, prompting Eggsy to wonder how long he’s truly been out. “Eggsy,” he sighs. The hard lines contort in a way that hurts to look at.

This is what Eggsy was afraid of...this. The exact moment when pain and heartbreak overcame all other emotions on the face he loves. Eggsy wants to protect him from this, these exact things, but choices were made and the fate of their relationship sealed with signatures on a marriage certificate.

“Hey,” Eggsy croaks. His throat is dry and scratchy. But that doesn't stop him from trying to soothe the tears brimming in eyes that hold more love than he deserves. “S’okay.” It’s a piss poor assurance, because it ain’t okay.

Merlin kisses his hand, each knuckle, holding it against a stubbly cheek. Words get stuck in his throat, it’s clear he’s fighting between arguing nothing is okay and sobbing that Eggsy was still here.

Eggsy reaches as far as wires allow him to, beckoning Merlin for a kiss that screams fear and thankfulness. Merlin rests his forehead to Eggsy’s, as Eggsy drags a thumb down a wet cheek to catch a fallen tear. What’s there to say? Things have been said over the course of their relationship, warnings before Merlin made the decision to stay and support Eggsy through this.

“I love you,” Eggsy whispers. There is nothing else he can say, no grand speech that this was expected, because honestly he wasn’t expecting to have a heart attack.

Merlin’s resolve breaks, nodding his head with a mournful smile. “I know.” He tries a cleansing breath before he responds, “I love you, too.”

They sit like that for a long time before Dr. Everts and a cardiac specialist arrive. It’s everything Eggsy thought it to be, heart attack which was a result from platelet infusions causing a blockage in his heart.

“We’ll have to stop treatment.” Dr. Everts actually looks upset by this. Her beautiful face is heavy with what she says next, “I would like to continue the injections to promote the production of white blood cells, but I think we’ve reached what we can do, safely, in terms of other treatment.” He can hear Merlin’s breath hitch; Eggsy knew this was coming. “We will, of course, continue antibiotic treatment if you become ill, but I am going to suggest further treatment stops.”

Eggsy nods. Merlin’s hand grips his, it hurts but he doesn’t let go. “Comfort then? Enjoy what time I have left?”

“Yes.” She nods. “I did not foresee the heart attack, which puts you at higher risk for more, or stroke.” Dr. Everts explains the strain it put on his heart, that at this point he’s no longer a candidate for a transplant. “We’ll take it a day at a time, but you should still follow the suggested diet and keep active. Try to avoid risk of infection, and so on.” Eggsy bobs his head in agreement. “I still want you to see your therapist, and I would suggest you see him as well, Mr. Unwin.” She gestures to Merlin. “It can be beneficial.”

“Of course.” Merlin cradles Eggsy’s hand between two of his. “I’ll make myself an appointment.”

Dr. Everts smiles warmly, yet it doesn’t touch her eyes. “I wish I had better news, I am sorry.” She sounds sincere.

“Thank you. For all you’ve done.” Eggsy knows it’s not their final meeting, but it might as well be. They’re left alone, the room thick with unspoken tension. Eggsy leans back into pillows as his eyes slip shut. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. Maybe it’s cowardice to speak, unable to look Merlin in the eyes as he continues, “I’m sorry you have to be here for all this.”

“What?” The anger ripples off Merlin, prompting Eggsy to open his eyes and look. “I made a promise, aye? I did that, knowing what was going to happen.” Merlin yanks his arm, forcing him to see his point. “I knew what this would do before I said I Do...I did my own research.” Of course he did. “And I’d still choose to say those vows. I’d still choose to have you for a few months, rather than none at all.” Unwilling tears flood his eyes, Eggsy’s not prepared to hear this. “You were transparent once you decided to talk, and I’m not disappointed...I’m scared, aye. Who wouldn’t be? But I’m not running.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Eggsy mumbles, emotion thick in his voice.

Merlin lifts up until his mouth touches Eggsy’s. “You do. And the sooner you realize that, the sooner ye can stop blaming yourself.” Eggsy quietly agrees. “And…” Merlin starts, reluctance in his tone and body language; Eggsy knows what he’s going to say. “You need to tell your mother.”

It’s a moot point. He likely should have told her months ago, but he’s right. Eggsy can’t avoid it any longer, otherwise she’ll find out by phone call that Eggsy’s dead.

“Yeah...okay.” Eggsy reaches for a quick peck. “Once I’m home, yeah?”

Merlin’s fingers thread through his hair, down to cradle the back of his head. “Of course. We’ll do it together.”

And that means so much more than Eggsy can tell him.

\---

Merlin cradles him close, the sobs shaking his body makes it harder to speak into his iPad. Michelle is on the other line, her own despair not much better. Eggsy knows he should pull out from Merlin’s neck, but what’s there to say? He’s just told his mother he’s dying, that there’s no cure for what’s happening...she’s angry. Impossibly and utterly heartbroken in a way that’s suffocating to listen to.

“I’ve...I’ve found something,” Michelle blubbers through the screen. Black streaks run down her face, her tears dragging the remnant of her mascara and eyeliner with it. “Says bone marrow transplant, yeah? Siblings? We get Daisy--”

Eggsy cuts her off, finally emerging from the safe cocoon his husband swathed him in. “No.” It’s barely an audible whisper, his voice is wet and heavy with sadness she can’t quite understand just yet. “Not putting her through that,” he provides for further clarification. “And,” Eggsy continues, shame and defeat course through him. He’s now realizing, in this moment, he didn’t just protect his mum but was denying her extra time with him; Eggsy feels worse somehow.

“I had a heart attack...early this week.” They brought him home two days ago. Eggsy hasn’t done much more than short trips to the loo and back, Merlin serving him meals in bed. Roxy swung by when Merlin was needed at work, other than that he’s been beside Eggsy. The tears dry by the time he’s saying, “I ain’t a candidate for transplant no more.” He studies intricate embroidery on their bed linens as he breaks it all to her, finishing with, “I signed a DNR before I left hospital…”

Somehow admitting this is harder than explaining his prognosis. He’s making the choice to forgo life saving measures, opting to accept antibiotic treatment when he needs it, but he’s not going on a machine to draw out the death he knows is coming. No choice was made lightly, he tells her that even as her cries fill the room and drown out every word Eggsy speaks. Still he explains, knowing that she’s listening despite the unrelenting downpour of tears that don’t seem to stop, even hours after they started the call.

Eggsy finds himself cradling the iPad, wishing he can hold her and wipe away moisture from her cheeks. Perhaps he should have done this in person, but he knew it was better over a video call, because his mother wasn't gonna just be okay with leaving and visiting once in a while. Eggsy knows she’ll drop her life and be here until Eggsy wasn’t.

“I’m sorry. Mum, I’m so sorry.” Merlin sweeps thumb down his cheek, kissing his brow. “I thought I was protecting you,” he murmurs guiltily. “I’m sorry…” Eggsy bites his lip, sagging into Merlin as if he can take all the pain away.

Michelle doesn’t say anything for a long time, even as the tears slow to a trickle and she’s breathing almost normally again. He watches her face change, gone is the sag of grief and replacing with determination; Eggsy knows that look.

“I’m coming.” It’s not a question, nor a request. She cleans her face up and stares him square on. It’s the patent Unwin ‘fucking tell me otherwise’ challenge in her eyes that brings a smile to his face. Enough photos confirm he’s inherited it from his dad, somehow rubbing it off to his mother who wears it well. “And you don’t even have to put us up. Got enough money to rent a hotel room as long as I need.”

“Oh, no. Michelle, that won’t be necessary,” Merlin interrupts. “We have the room here.” Eggsy nods in agreement. “Please don’t waste yer money, eh? Besides.” He holds Eggsy a bit closer. “It will be good for him to have family around.” Eggsy doesn’t argue.

What’s he going to do, deny his mother what little time she may have left with him? That’s far more cruel than withholding his prognosis from her. Not that it were done to be malicious, at the time he truly was believing he had everyone's best interest in mind. But as his time starts ticking away, the chances he’ll see more than a year thinning, he understands it was all done in vain.

Michelle’s eyes grow incredibly soft. “You sure? Ain’t want to be a bother with my Dais. A four year old is a lot.”

“Mum…” Eggsy chides with a disapproving shake of his head. “You know we love Dais, yeah? I’d rather be able to see her.” He’s sure at some point it will be too much, maybe. Eggsy’s not entirely sure how this all works, really. It wasn’t like he’s researching the transition of death. He grabs hold of Merlin’s hand, looking into the screen with nothing less than sincerity. “Please. We want you here. I want you here.”

That’s all it takes to convince her, as if he needs to bed much more, and she’s taking leave from work until further notice. She has a neighbor to watch the house, Merlin and Eggsy purchase their train tickets, and she’s planning to travel the following week.

It gives them ample time to prep the house, getting enough food, snacks and supplies into their home. Which also allows Eggsy to articulate a resignation letter, stapling his several doctors notes to it, terminating his employment effect immediately.

“Do ye need me to come in with you?” Merlin worries as he helps Eggsy from the cab. Having a heart attack put a damper on his strength, which was waning regardless since he’s no longer receiving treatment. “You should have sent it in via email,” he andomishes. His tone lacks proper heat to back his disapproval.

“Nah. Wanna do this right.” Eggsy hugs a folder to his chest, reaches up to peck Merlin’s lips, and winks. “I’ll be back.” He takes his time, drinking in the building he’s called his workplace for over three years, pushing past heavy doors, and up to the third floor.

Eggsy greets several people who pass him, smiling the entire time even if it doesn't touch his eyes. King is expecting him, so he knocks on the door and waits for the gruff approval of entry.

“Eggsy. Didn’t think I’d be seeing you around.” King motions for him to take a seat. His usual worn, cynical eyes pass over him with something warmer than the cool judgmental scrutiny that Eggsy’s expecting. “You don’t look well, boy.” Eggsy’s not been exactly forthcoming with his reasoning for being out. “Not going to croak on me, are you? I need all my best writers for the next addition we’re doing in the paper. We’re interviewing Harry Hart himself.”

Eggsy snorts. “You’re really going to put in an interview of your own family, about your own bloody business?” It shouldn't be as shocking as it is. Eggsy shakes his head. “I’m here to resign,” he finishes, passing the manila folder across the large, immaculate cherry wood desk. It probably costs more than Eggsy’s old flat.

Chester frowns, furrowing his large brows. “What is this nonsense?” He doesn’t even look at the letter. “Is there another company?” Eggsy shakes his head. Chester sneers, eyes verging on the edge of disgust and doubt as he says, “You think you’re going to publish something? That your words are worth a damn to leave this business? When I went out on a limb, hired you even though I knew you wouldn’t fit in here.”

“Fuck off, yeah?” Eggsy spat. “Who are you to judge me? And if you got your head out your arse you’d read that letter and realize I’m quitting due to health problems, you pompous bastard!” Eggsy shouts, standing to jab a finger in his face. “And the only reason you have to demoralize me is because you know I’m good, and you’d hate to lose me. To see me succeed because of my past. Well fuck you.” He suddenly feels light headed. Eggsy grips the lip of his desk to ground himself. “I am quitting, effective immediately, and I don’t give a fuck about the sick time I’ll lose. Ain’t like I’ll have much time to use it anyhow.” Eggsy gets hold of himself, stands a bit straighter, and looks him right in the eye. “Yeah. I’m croaking on you, so you can feel good about that. Have a good fucking life.”

He leaves Chester, mouth gaping open like a fish out of water, going straight out into the silent room where everyone stares at him. Roxy is off to the side, where their cubicles reside, a huge smile on her face with moisture in rich brown eyes. She stands too and starts clapping, to which everyone else does too as Eggsy slowly makes his way off the floor. As the elevators close, he can see Chester just outside his office looking more disturbed than when he first arrived. Eggsy doesn't give him the time of day, and sags against a wall once he’s alone. That was requiring so much more energy than Eggsy’s ever needed the past few months.

Merlin’s right in the lobby when he stumbles off the lift. “I should have come with you.” He’s probably right, but there’s a certain pride that follows what Eggsy’s just done. “Come on. Let’s get ye home.” Merlin’s long arm loops around the back of his waist, pulling him close to support most of Eggsy’s weight, and leads them out the building.

The days following were uneventful at best. Eggsy can’t seem to make it out of bed, not that Merlin forces him to anyway.

A morning Merlin needs to go into work, Roxy lays beside him. Her fingers smooth along his scalp, scratching with her nails until he’s in some sort of sleepy state where he can hear the telly, and dream at the same time.

“Your mum comes tomorrow, right?” She asks once he’s awake and eating half a tuna sandwich.

“Yeah.” He takes a sip of water between bites. “I’m both excited and terrified.” Eggsy looks at her. “She’s coming because I’m at the end of this...you know? What kind of monster keeps his mum in the dark, telling her once shits hit the fan and allows her to watch her only son die.” A knot forms and twists in his gut. “I should have told her sooner,” he mournfully whispers.

Roxy’s silent for a long time. What’s for her to say? No. You’re not a bad person, Eggsy. Because everyone was trying to get him to tell his mother. Eggsy’s just torn over six months worth of his life from her, and he likely won’t see that year. He knows it deep in his bones; that heart attack doing him little to no favors.

“You should have,” she finally agrees. “But you weren’t ready, and you can’t beat yourself up about that.” Roxy brushes the fringe of his hair from his forehead. “Just enjoy the time you have with her, yeah?” Eggsy sniffs back a sob, nodding as he leans into her for comfort that she willingly provides.

Warm lips meet his temple as they sit in silence, and she doesn’t tell him it will all be okay; because it won’t be.

The day Michelle arrives, Eggsy forces himself out of bed, dressing in his most comfortable jeans, vest and a jumper because he’s so bloody cold. Not that the change of season is helping him any, it’s not exactly warm out anymore.

“Eggy!” Daisy shouts, shooting through the door and right for him. He’s stood to greet them, but is promptly knocked back into the sofa from her force. “I miss you!” She scrambles up his lap to give him a big hug.

“Miss you too!” It’s all he can do to contain his tears as he holds her tiny body to his. “You’ve been good for mum, yeah?” Eggsy pulls back to gaze into her big blue eyes.

Daisy nods her head, face as serious as a four year old can muster. “Yeah! I be good!”

Michelle helps Merlin with their luggage, it looks like they’ll move in for the rest of the year; Eggsy notes. Her face is solemn until she finds her two babies cuddling together.

“Be careful, babe.” She warns Daisy as she wanders in to press a kiss against Eggsy’s cheek. “Remember Eggsy don’t feel good, yeah?”

Eggsy bites back a growl and says, “She don’t have to be careful, mum. I’m good. Missed her.” He’s just bone achingly tired. But keeps that to himself and instead takes his mother’s hand. “Missed you too,” he promises with a cheeky wink. He can see the work it takes for her to keep the bright smile on her face. “It’s okay…” Eggsy squeezes her hand, his chest tight because it’s so hard to see her this broken in person.

Michelle nods, doing her best to blink away tears that still run down her cheeks, and moves to pull Eggsy into her. He needs the comfort and security as much as she does.

“No cry, mummy.” Daisy insists, worry in her little voice, reaching for their mother and wiping away the wetness.

“It’s good tears.” Michelle lies, pecking her nose before she cradles Eggsy cheek and kisses his once more. “Just so happy to see your brother.” Daisy’s too little to hear all the fear behind her words, but Eggsy can hear it loud and clear.

They spend the better part of the afternoon and evening on the sofa, cuddling and talking about absolutely nothing. Merlin’s around, popping in and out with tea, biscuits and offering to get the girls situated; he’s great. But eventually Eggsy tells him to sit down.

“Part of the family, babe.” Eggsy smiles up at him with heavy eyes; he’s so tired. Michelle moves without being told and pats the cushion between her and Eggsy.

“I know.” Merlin easily takes a seat. “Just finished some work.” He wraps an arm around Eggsy’s shoulders, forcing him to rest against him. “I ordered Chinese, it should be here in a few.”

Michelle stands, making grabby hands for Daisy. “That sounds lovely. Come on, babe. We can wash up and get our things sorted.” Daisy complies, but only after a bit of whining. “Be back in a mo.” She smacks a parting kiss to Eggsy’s cheek and wanders off.

“How are you doing?” Eggsy shook his head. “Dinner in bed?” He shakes his head again. “Bed after dinner?” Eggsy nods. “Alright.” Merlin’s hold tightens and Eggsy feels himself drift, his warmth incredibly inviting and making it hard to fight off slumber.

Eggsy doesn't remember being taken from the sofa, but he wakes sometime in the night. It’s two in the morning and Merlin is fast asleep beside him. Apparently he was out hard enough Merlin let him sleep through dinner and then some. Eggsy watches his husband for a long time. Forcing the way his face softens when he’s asleep, all the hardness leaves his carefully chiseled jaw, leaving him to look impossibly warm and tender. Eggsy copies this image in his mind, refusing to forget how breathtaking Merlin always appears; he never wants to let it go.

But after a bit, Eggsy’s bladder and stomach make themselves known. He’s starving and needs to piss. Carefully Eggsy slips out of bed and to the loo, doing his business, and heading out to find the takeout container with cashew chicken in it. Eggsy eats it cold with chopsticks at the counter, swirling the next scene for his novel around as he crushes cashews between teeth. He’s eaten half the pint, feeling full and satiated, Eggsy finds his Chromebook on the end table and flicks a lamp on.

It’s five in the morning when he hears the floor creak. Eggsy looks up to find his mother standing there.

“Hey.” He smiles. “Didn’t wake you, did I?”

Michelle shakes her head, coming all the way into the room, and sitting beside him. “Writing?” Eggsy nods, turning back to the screen. “Am I allowed to see?”

Eggsy quietly laughs. “Not yet. It ain’t done.” He’s always kept his writing to himself until satisfied with the product. “But you’ll get to read it,” he promises.

She’s quiet for a long moment before she asks, “Can’t sleep?”

“Nah. Woke up around 2, needed food.” He didn’t pause in his typing, only slowing marginally as he spoke. “Then got to thinking, usually write when Merlin’s asleep, anyway.”

Michelle nods with a soft, “Oh.” She brings an arm around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Is it some sort of last words type book.”

Eggsy rolls his eyes, stops what he’s doing to stare at her. “No, mum. It’s an idea I got a few months ago, and have been working on it ever since.” ‘Course she’s assuming Eggsy would want to write something special to each person, but this ain’t it. It’s everything he could wish for himself.

“Sorry! Just you know.” She grins apologetically, though it doesn’t touch her eyes. “You know how curious I get.”

“Yeah, I know.” He returns to type. “Couldn’t keep you out of the shit I used to write in school.”

“It’s good stuff, Eggsy! You could have been a famous author.” Eggsy shoulders slump. “Oh.” She squeezes him tighter. “I didn’t mean that, babe...well, you--”

“Yeah. I know, mum.” He interrupts gruffly without meaning to. Eggsy sighs, “Shit, sorry. I don’t wanna argue or make you feel bad.”

“I know you don’t.” She doesn’t pull away, instead leans in more. “And you didn’t. So we’re square, babe.”

Eggsy grins, kisses her cheek, and goes back to his words. They still flow like a faucet from his fingers, it feels great. Before he knows it Merlin’s woken and smiling sleepily at the two.

“Early morning, eh?” Merlin ducks for a quick kiss. “I’ll put on coffee.”

“Thanks, babe.”

Michelle pops up then. “I’ll start some breakfast!” She offers, following Merlin out.

Leaving Eggsy alone until a tiny body wanders out with messy hair.

“Morning.” He whispers as she cuddles close. “Sleep good?” Daisy nods, snuggling further into his side. Eggsy closes his laptop in favor of wrapping his arms around her little body and swaddling them in a throw.

By the time Merlin and Michelle surface, Eggsy’s sleeping with Daisy on his chest.

Days start to melt together, everything is about family time, Roxy dropping by with goodies and gifts for Daisy who ends up adoring her. There are wonderful days and ones where Eggsy doesn’t make it out of bed, but they all huddle around one another and watch movies. It’s everything Eggsy can hope for, even if he’s painfully bitter he’s going to have to let go.

“There’s soup on,” Merlin tells him one evening. Eggsy’s not feeling well. Daisy caught a cold from playing in the snow, which inherently meant Eggsy was bound to contract it. “Daisy seems to be on the mend.” He crawls beneath the covers, momentarily causing a chill to run up Eggsy’s spine from the whoosh of cool air that follows with him.

“Yeah?” Eggsy turns into the embrace Merlin offers. “Good, glad she’s feeling better.” His body hurts, burns with fire that’s internal; he probably has a fever.

“You’re warm.” Merlin’s hands are like ice, Eggsy flinches away. “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay...cold.”

Merlin leaves their bed, returns with a thermometer and tisks when it beeps. “If ye don’t break this by the morning, going to go and call Dr. Everts.”

Eggsy nods, takes two tablets Merlin hands him, and lays back down. Neither of them are surprised when Eggsy doesn’t break it, or when Dr. Everts instructs him to head toward hospital for IV antibiotics. It’s even less shocking when a simple cold morphs into pneumonia and Eggsy ends up on oxygen, looking at a two week stay.

“You’ll be home in time for Christmas.” Merlin tries to brighten his mood. “I know you’ve been looking forward to that.”

“Love watching Daisy open gifts.”

“Mmm.” Merlin hums, running long fingers through his hair; it feels so good. “Did ye need me to bring anything from the house?”

Eggsy eyes slip shut, but he’s not asleep. “My chrome book.” He’s so close to finishing it. “Blanket from our bed...the one your mum knitted? Smells like you.” He cracks a smile. “Picture of us, JB...my chargers.”

“Ye act as if you’re moving in,” Merlin chuckles.

“Nah, but two weeks is a long time.”

“Alright. I’ll bring it all tonight.” And he does, even has JB pay Eggsy a visit; it’s nice.

He sleeps more than he’s awake, but he finishes IV antibiotics with discharge instructions for oral at home, oxygen set up because his numbers aren’t that great. Dr. Everts is one more coughing fit away from keeping him longer, but Eggsy begs her to allow him home for Christmas.

Dr. Everts eyes him carefully, but nods. “If there are any changes...you call me.”

“Yeah. We will,” Eggsy assures. It’s the least he can do when she’s not even sure he should leave. But Christmas, and it’s obvious he’s honestly not going to see another one. “Thank you.” He squeezes her hand before Merlin wheels him out his room. Eggsy can see it in her eyes, they both know it without saying anything.

“Take care and Happy Christmas.”

Eggsy’s home Christmas Eve night, comfy and cozy in bed with blankets, pillows and White Christmas playing on the telly. Everyone's in jimjams, eating popcorn and ignoring the rattling cough that Eggsy can’t get rid of. He’s in and out of sleep the entire night, not really breathing well enough to get proper rest.

Merlin’s face worries him, but Eggsy smiles reassuringly and asks for help Christmas morning.

He weakly pushes Michelle’s hands away when she tries to assist. “We’re good, mum.” It’s all too much, he’s exhausted and out of breath, but he wants to sit with everyone and watch Daisy open her presents.

And so he does. A bright smile on his face the entire time, and ooo’s and ahh’s with every toy, book and article of clothing Daisy holds up.

“Here!” Daisy hops up to hand Eggsy a slim parcel.

Eggsy carefully opens the shiny silver with blue snowflake paper, revealing a picture frame with a drawing Daisy so clearly created.

“That’s me, mummy, you and Hammy.” She points to each stick figure. “And JB!” Daisy says proudly.

“Oh...Flower…” Eggsy can’t say more, it’s harder than ever to get air into his lungs, mostly because he’s crying. “I love it.” Daisy beams at him, launching herself into his unprepared arms and hugs the life out of him. It’s the best gift he could have gotten; his family.

The room goes silent as he holds her, not so quietly crying into her neck, praying with every fiber of his being she knows how much he loves her. Eggsy pulls away, smoothing hair from her face to kiss her tiny nose.

“I love you.”

Daisy takes his cheeks between her small hands and repeats the affection. “I love you, too!”

He takes her into his arms again, his mother sniffles in the background, Merlin rub’s his back. The water works finally stop enough to finish the rest of the gift opening, cinnamon rolls and coffee to follow while Merlin and Michelle prepare for dinner. Eggsy plays with Daisy in the sitting room until he needs to lie down for a bit. He does make sure to be at the table for Christmas dinner, enjoying the roast his mum and husband worked so hard on, and even has a few bites of pudding.

By the time six rolls around Eggsy’s spent and Merlin lifts him into strong arms, cradling him bridal style, and tucks him into bed.

“Thank you.” Eggsy whispers, grabbing for Merlin’s hand to place it against his lips.“Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas, my heart.” Merlin leans in to capture lips in a soft kiss, one that leaves him more breathless than the pneumonia still raging in his lungs. “Sleep, aye? I’ll be right here.” He pulls Eggsy close, holding him to his chest where Eggsy can hear his heartbeat steady and strong.

“‘Kay...love you.”

“I love you too.”

Eggsy hears the tears behind his confession, but the day’s been so tiring he slips off into sleep. And it lasts for what feels like days, until he’s coughing up enough gunk and phlegm Merlin makes a frantic call to Dr. Everts.

It’s two days past boxing day when Eggsy returns to hospital, another run of IV antibiotics for the pneumonia he never truly cleared; but he knew that. Eggsy just needed to be home for that last holiday, to see everyone happy and spend that special day with them.

Somehow Merlin knows this, it’s in his face when they discuss what’s next.

“We can keep you on these antibiotics for another two weeks, see if it clears it.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Eggsy breathes. “Then what?”

Dr. Everts chooses her next words with care. “You can stay on them, we can try another antibiotic…”

“You already did that,” Eggsy accuses. “Be real, yeah? I don’t have time to fuck about.” Merlin’s hand grips his tighter, it’s near bone crushing.

“We can keep you on antibiotics for the rest of your life, but there are complications that come with that. Such as--” Before she can name them off, Eggsy shakes his head. “I’m sorry?”

“No.” Eggsy’s head moves from side to side. “I don’t want that. Why would I prolong what’s coming?” He’s not strong enough to fight this, Eggsy knows it. “I’d rather be comfortable. Don’t drag this out...I don’t want it.”

Dr. Everts’ shoulders stiffen, but she nods. “Will you at least try the next two weeks?”

“One. If I don’t show improvement by then, I don’t wanna do this no more.”

“Very well.” She makes a few notes in his chart and lays a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll reevaluate in one week.” She gives it a squeeze and leaves.

Eggsy watches her go, waiting until the room is empty and no one else is around. He can sense Merlin’s gaze on him, feel intense eyes bore into his skin...Eggsy knows what he’s going to say.

“Are ye sure?” It’s a question rather than a full out supportive statement. “You know I’m here no matter what you choose,” he goes on to say, likely worrying he’s upset Eggsy. He hasn’t.

Eggsy turns to face him, watches every line and wrinkle come together as Merlin takes in Eggsy. It’s not a pretty sight, he’s sure, without having a mirror to see himself. There’s more fear and hurt than anything in those heart stoppingly beautiful hazel eyes. Deep down, Eggsy wishes for immortality, to live as long as Merlin and end it all so they can be together forever. It isn’t fair...even if he knows he’s at the end of his rope.

“I am,” Eggsy promises a moment later. “There ain’t nothing else she can do, and she knows it.” He stops for a breath. “And so do you.”

Merlin doesn’t seem put off by the assumption. He nods, “Aye. I know.” He’s only been here, watching Eggsy fall apart over the course of a few months since his heart attack.

It’s almost criminal how little time has passed, and now Eggsy’s in hospital. Somehow it’s where he always thought he’d be, ending up with IV’s and ports, pumping him full of medication that’s doing him little good with nothing more than a shred of an immune system. If you can even call it that.

“I’m sorry.” He finds himself apologizing again. “I really wish everything could have worked...that we’d get more time.” Eggsy’s heart constricts. There’s so much he’ll miss and not just his marriage with Merlin.

Everything really went far too fast, as if he blinked and he’s here facing the inevitable. He’s bitterly angry about it all, feeling life cheated him out of years he could have with Merlin. Years with his mother, sister and Roxy. All the people he loves, he’s leaving behind with nothing more than memories of their time together. And maybe that’s enough for them, but not for him; Eggsy wants more.

Merlin doesn’t answer and just gently moves Eggsy over so he can climb in and hold him. Soft lips press into his, stealing every ounce of love Eggsy can offer at this moment. The kiss tastes of salt from tears and desperation for more time than they’ll get. Every bone in his body crushes, he’s suffocating beneath the sobs that wrack his form, making it harder to breathe.

“Shhh.” Merlin soothes, brushing fingers through Eggsy’s hair, trying to give him comfort from a situation neither of them has control over. “I’ve got you, and I’ll be right here.” Until the very end goes unsaid, but Eggsy can feel the words without Merlin having to say them. “I love you, aye? And that’s enough.”

Eggsy hides his face against Merlin’s neck, it’s a safe place he’s found through their relationship, soaking his skin and jumper with tears that don’t seem to stop. He knows he’s going to die, but dammit if he doesn’t want to.

It sucks. It’s not fair. Eggsy hates every second of it.

He drifts off into a deep slumber that seems impossible, but his worn body is exhausted enough that he doesn’t wake until the next afternoon. Eggsy finds Merlin with him, now in a chair beside his bed but with his hand clasped in one of Eggsy’s. He watches him, trying his damnedest to remember this and take his handsome face with him...wherever it is he goes.

The week passes in similar fashion, yet everything gets worse as time goes by. Eggsy finds it harder to clear his chest, coughs weaker and unable to get up all the shit that's settling there. Medications are given, steroids to help him breathe and expectorants in order to get up what his body can’t rid of.

Eggsy’s sent off for X-Ray. He doesn’t know why, Dr. Everts knows nothing's changing. Merlin knew it, Eggsy and anyone who’s spoken to Eggsy.

Yet it still doesn’t ease the ache when she tells him both lungs are infected, that his recent lab results point toward sepsis. He’s not going to die from a blood disorder, he’s going to see death in the face of pneumonia.

“Okay.” Eggsy’s been preparing for this moment. “And?” He prompts, even though he can guess what she’s going to say next.

“I can try a more aggressive approach.” She starts, as if they haven’t already been doing that. “See if it helps, but you won’t fully recover. You are too immunocompromised...and we’d likely end up discussing hospice care.” The very words leaving her lips look like they hurt. There’s pain and sadness etched all over her beautiful face. Dr. Everts takes a breath, as if she needs to center herself. “Is that an option for you?”

Eggsy gathers his thoughts, taking a few careful breaths that rattle his chest before he’s shaking his head. ‘Course she has to know this, because Eggsy was pretty clear before. The simple nod of her head, just one bob, shows him she’s expecting that answer.

“Then we can discuss end of life care,” she goes on to say.

Merlin’s a silent party through the conversation. Only thing he thinks to ask is, “Can he come home?”

Dr. Everts goes to answer, but it’s Eggsy who speaks, “There’s no way.” He’s looking into hazel eyes, holding them with care as he continues, “I’m not strong enough.”

Merlin’s voice is worn and watery, “I know.” Yet there’s still hope beneath his tone. “I just thought it may be an option.” I really wanted to bring you home, is left hanging in the air.

Eggsy wants nothing more than to give Merlin what he needs, but he knows if they bring him home, he’ll be dead quicker than if he stays here. So he takes Merlin’s hand, holds it between the two of his and kisses each knuckle, worshiping every last one. The love he feels for this man is unimaginable, adding insult to injury, and it pains him to leave; he doesn’t want to.

He keeps Merlin’s hand close to his chest when he turns to Dr. Everts. “Comfortable. I don’t wanna feel nothing, yeah? Been a right struggle through this whole thing.” He doesn’t want to feel it.

Dr. Everts nods, types into her tablet, and says, “Of course. We’ll make sure you have everything on board.” She does a few more things before facing them with a sad smile, looking all for the world like she wishes there was cure; so does Eggsy. “I’ll be signing you off into the care of hospice, so we won’t be seeing each other.” She steps close and takes one of Eggsy’s hands between two of hers. “It’s been a pleasure to treat you.”

Eggsy smiles up at her. “Thank you for all you’ve done.” For putting up with my stubborn arse. “You’re a great Doc. And pretty.” He laughs cheekily.

Her answering grin is dazzling, and he swears there is a touch of moisture in her blue eyes. “Not so bad yourself.” She gives his hand a pat, says her farewells to Merlin and is never seen by them again.

Hospice is soon to follow, explaining all they can expect and what medications will be given for pain, ease of anxiety when it’s hard to breathe, and keep him on oxygen the entire time. There’s a whole team assigned to him, nurses and orderlies who help with care. They even put a bloody catheter in to limit his need to get in and out of bed, but that doesn’t stop him from requesting a day in the recliner.

His mum and Flower are up, JB trotting beside them too, and Eggsy wants to look as decent as possible. It’s been a week and a half since he’s seen them, and the time gone hasn’t been kind to him. Appetite has been shit, he’s not showering beside bed baths that Merlin insists on doing--Eggsy does help a little--and his breathing is a bit scary. Fevers keep him up at night, so he’s not sleeping, and chills in the day when he’s not sleeping. It's an endless cycle of ups and downs, until they finally get him on a steady regime of medication that keeps fevers at bay, offering optimal pain coverage, but also makes him drowsy.

“Hey.” Eggsy smiles at them. Merlin is sitting to his left, has a hold of his clammy hand because Eggsy asked the nurse to forgo one dose so he doesn't fall asleep. “Missed you guys.” He lets go of Merlin to reach out for Daisy. She’s a little reluctant at first but does gently climb into his lap. “You been good for mum?” He asks, leaning back with her tucked against his chest.

“Yeah.” She huddles there for a moment before she pulls away and looks up at him. “Mummy said you sick.” Her little brow furrows in concern. “Will you get better?”

It’s worse than letting Merlin down, knowing he’s going to have to tell her no.

“I don’t think so,” he carefully says. Michelle’s quiet sob is a distant noise as he watches that marinate on Daisy’s young face. She won’t know, nor understand, unless their mother told her. But she’s four, he doubts she’ll really grasp what death means.

“Why?”

Eggsy brings her even closer, holding her as tight as he can, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead with his eyes shut; tears brim the corners because this isn’t how he wants to spend time with her.

“Some people are just too sick, lass,” Merlin helpfully fills in. “And the doctors did all they could to make him better.” There’s probably several different ways to explain this to a child, not that any of them have experience with it.

Daisy scrunches her face, concentration thick on her tiny brows. “Like Ms. Candy?” She turns to Michelle.

Ms. Candy was a nice old bird who lived two doors from them in the new place. She gave mum and Daisy lots of hand made, knitted clothes, potholders, towels, and the like. Even watched Daisy from a time or two, until she fell ill and wasn’t around anymore.

“Yeah. Kinda like Ms. Candy,” Michelle supplies.

Daisy nods. “Oh.” Her eyes grow wide and tearful, she looks desolate with the thought. “Don’t want you go bye bye forever!”

His own sobs drown out hers. “Me either.” Maybe it’s the wrong thing to say, but what’s right in this situation? Eggsy will go away, she’ll want to know why, and then his mother will be left with this explanation when Daisy’s trying to figure out why the world is so unfair.

No one should have to learn the world bloody sucks at four.

Eggsy pulls away to brush blonde curls from her wet face, leaning in to kiss her cheeks, and cradle it in his hands. “But hey!” He tries for a smile that won’t touch his eyes. “I’ll be with you every day, yeah? You just won’t see me.”

Daisy’s frown deepens. “Where Egg be?”

He places a hand over her little chest, resting it against her heart. “Right here. Every day. When you’re sad, you can talk to me. I’ll always be right here.” It may be second best to his actual presence, but it’s as much assurance he can give her. And he doesn't even wholly believe in it.

They spend more time with cuddles until Eggsy’s too uncomfortable and needs to go into bed. Merlin offers to take Daisy for an ice cream from the cafeteria, Michelle sticks around to be as much assistance as she can be. She tucks covers around him, smooths back greasy hair and kisses his forehead.

“You’re warm,” She notes. A mother’s concern never waning, no matter the circumstances.

Eggsy shifts a bit. His whole body tingles with warmth of fever, he knows she’ll be disappointed to know he didn’t take a dose for the visit.

“Fever,” he tells her. “Steadily run one, even if it’s just low-grade.” Which they’ve helpfully kept it there, or just below, the last two nights. “Probably need something.”

“They were just here.” Michelle sits on the edge of his bed, running her palm up and down his arm in soothing strokes. “We can call them back.” She goes to stand, but his hand grasps her forearm, stopping her. “What is it?” She lowers back down.

“It makes me sleepy.” I want to see you, he leaves unsaid. “I’ll take it when you go.”

“Eggsy,” she chides. “Your comfort is more important.” He shakes his head. “Yes it is. Don’t argue with me, young man.” Eggsy can’t help the laugh that bubbles up. “It’s not funny.” She’s fighting a grin as he continues to laugh until he’s coughing and out of breath.

Michelle calls a nurse anyway, waits for them to give him something for fever, pain, and a treatment to open his airways. She returns to his side, humming softly while fingers move along his scalp, until the treatment runs out and Eggsy’s breathing a little easier.

A long moment passes before Eggsy’s whispering, “I should have told you sooner.” He’s not as out of breath. “I was trying to protect you...I didn’t.” Water invades his eyes without his say so, it’s like a bloody water park on his face these days; he’s so fucking angry about it all. “I denied you time with me, and I’m sorry.”

Somehow her face contorts into such anguish, it’s hard to look at, as if it’s the first time she’s hearing about it all. It takes her a second before she’s able to gather herself, taking a few slow breaths and puts on a smile that’s incredibly warm, almost as warm as his body feels right this second. The medication is making its way through his system, and he knows if they don’t wrap this up soon, he’s going to be asleep.

“You did what you thought was right, and I don’t blame you for that.” She strokes his face, from his forehead to cheek, cupping his face as she continues, “I love you, baby.” Eggsy puts a hand over hers, holding it to his face so he can lean in; his eyes slip shut. “You’re everything I could want in a son, caring, selfless...your father would be so proud.” Before sleep overcomes him, the last thing he hears is, “And I’m sure he’s waiting...he’ll protect you afterlife just as he has in life.”

He doesn’t get to see Daisy, or say goodbye to her, but perhaps he already did. No one’s expecting Michelle to stay away, and she doesn’t, coming for a few hours each day when she finds a sitter from their old neighborhood. One of his old mates’ mother offers, even keeps Daisy an entire day to play with her grandson.

But today Roxy sits beside him. She was pretty adamant Eggsy kept taking meds like he should, so he’s sleeping a lot more than his mum’s first visit. She reads most of the afternoon while Merlin steps out to do some running around, retrieving Eggsy’s Chromebook per request and taking care of some business at his shop. Eggsy basically has to toss him out for that, but he’s living here and looks like he needs a proper shower; he hopes the stubborn git listens.

“How’s work?” Each word is spoken slowly, he’s just so tired. Everything takes up energy he doesn't have. “King...making life hell?”

Roxy nods, “You know it.” She’s real with him, doesn’t treat him like he’s actually dying. “How’re you feeling?”

Eggsy laughs, it’s a breathy sound, “Like shit.” It’s not 100% true. They’ve given him enough drugs so he sleeps more than he’s awake, so he doesn’t feel so much. He watches her, she’s watching the slow rise and fall of his chest, there’s more she needs to say. “Don’t be...scared, yeah? S’okay.” Her glare is piercing. Eggsy clears his throat, licking dry lips and goes on to explain, “Okay to feel, you berk.”

Roxy snickers past a slow trickle of tears, trying to look sarcastic when all he sees is heartbreak. She takes a long time to say anything, allowing her anguish to flow down her face while he soothes her with soft shushing noises, quiet murmurs of how much he loves her. Tells her he’s grateful for their friendship, things he needs to say before he can’t say anything anymore.

“I’m going to miss you,” she says. Roxy bends into the hug he beckons. “Sucks, you know?” Eggsy nods; he does. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Eggsy keeps her with him, even as he slips off into sleep. It’s deep and dark, until he can see memories flit through his brain.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's safe to say I have no patience, which is true. I'm like a five year old in the sense I cannot wait to finish things, for things to happen, etc. So here's the last chapter, and we all know what's about to happen, but there is lightness in the dark. And I sorta guess that's my whole point with this story, that no matter how much life gets us down, throws hurdles and curve balls when we are barely treading water, there are good times to be had. Even when everything looks so grim, and often the outcome is brighter than anyone could anticipate.
> 
> With all that said, many thanks to Lyssa, Solrosan, Dauntlessdiva, Misterdevere and Dravni for listening to me whine, bitch piss and moan when this thing grew from 15K to over 30. It was not my intention, I can assure you. 
> 
> And the biggest thanks, shout out, and hugs to my best friend, Snafu, who so lovingly beta read this in two days and cried, facetiming me to tell me how sad it was. Trust and believe tears were shed on my part, as well. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, many hugs and tissues. Love you all so much.

Roxy untangles herself from Eggsy as Merlin walks in. For a moment Merlin’s afraid Eggsy’s gone, but he can see the shallow rise and fall; his heart beats again.

“How long has he been asleep?” Merlin wonders.

“About an hour.” She watches him for a bit and turns to Merlin. “I wanna come up again.”

Merlin unpacks everything Eggsy asked him to bring. “That’s fine, lass. Ye are welcome anytime.” He’s been alone with Eggsy so much, and he knows he’s not the only one losing him. “I’m sure he’d love that.” Merlin tries for a smile, he’s sure it falls short.

Roxy does the unthinkable and goes around Eggsy’s bed to yank him into a hard hug. Her grasp is tight, it’s almost crushing, and somehow it’s everything he needs.

But he won’t fall apart, not in this room where his husband lay. Merlin swore to keep it peaceful, reading up on everything he can about the dying individual, and like hell if he’s going to allow this space to be anything but tranquility for Eggsy.

“Thank ye,” he says in a thick voice. They stay like this for another long moment, Roxy gives his cheek a peck, gives Eggsy a parting kiss and leaves.

Merlin busies himself, talking to Eggsy as he does. “JB thought I was bringing him again.” He smiles to himself. “Maybe I will tomorrow, when ye are awake. I know you love that little loaf.” Eggsy’s laptop goes on his bedside table, ready whenever Eggsy wants it, and hooks his phone to the charger.

He had himself a shower before coming back, shaving his face and head because it was scarily long and showing all the greys that were left of his hair. Merlin feels momentarily like himself, if it weren’t for his heart withering away in a bed beside him. Just like any other night, Merlin sits on his tablet but doesn’t pay attention, his eyes never leave Eggsy. The man he fell for, years before they even dated, and thought there was never a chance.

A young, cheeky, handsome lad like Eggsy would never want an old man. Yet he did, asking him on a date, stealing his whole soul in the matter of a week...it all went too fast. Not even a year after their first date and he’s with his one true love, in hospital, waiting for the day he takes his last breath. He’s a big believer in things happening for a reason, though this proves to feel like that sentiment is wrong.

Merlin sits there for a bit longer, watching Eggsy instead of working on the email he was intending to send out, and smiles when nurses flit in and out with meds. Finally he’s sleepy enough to lay in his recliner, kissing Eggsy goodnight like he always does, and promising he’ll see him in the morning.

Except Eggsy doesn’t wake after that.

“He’s in what we call a comatose state.” The doctor explains, briefing Merlin and Michelle a few days later. “It’s normal and part of the dying process.”

Merlin feels his heart shatter while maintaining his poker face. Michelle falls apart beside him, he has to be level headed; Eggsy needs someone to speak for him when his voice is no longer to be heard.

“Alright. What are things we can look for? If he’s in pain, that is.”

“Moans, groans. He may shift, his breathing patterns can change.” The doctor shakes his head, a perplexed expression on his face. “He’s lasting longer than I originally suspected,” he murmurs.

Merlin gazes down at Eggsy as he says, “He didn’t want to die.” He takes Eggsy’s limp hand. “My strong lad,” he whispers low enough, no one hears.

His hospice doctor explains a few more things before the nurse comes in, administering some more meds and promises they’ve upped his dose and frequency for comfort.

Merlin’s more thankful than he can voice.

Later that night when he’s alone, Merlin picks up Eggsy’s Chromebook. Why would he want it? Merlin has the urge to open it, but stops when Eggsy’s breathing changes. It stops for 20 seconds and starts again. Merlin finds his heart coming to a halt each time this happens, remembering it’s apnea.

He sits on the side of Eggsy’s bed, the mattress must have a permanent imprint of his arse by now, and takes his hand. Merlin decides to call Michelle after a nurse says it can be any moment, or even hours, but he wants to be sure she knows.

They have Roxy on call for Daisy, just in case this might happen in the night, and she’s catching a cab to hospital.

“You’ve fought hard, my heart...it’s okay. I know you’re tired.” Merlin doesn’t want him to suffer any longer. “We’ll be okay, you’ve said your peace.” Eggsy’s a strong man, someone who puts others before him, and he needs to hear this. “I know ye worried about me, and I admitted I won’t be okay. I probably won’t for a time, but I’ll heal and you’ll forever be a part of my soul.” He brings Eggsy’s hand to his lips, holding it there as he finishes. “I love you...and it’s okay to rest now.”

His words are the catalyst to Eggsy’s end.

Eggsy’s final breath leaves him in a hard exhale, his body still and unmoving.

Merlin can’t see anymore, his eyes too blurry with tears that come in a rush. “Eggsy.” He cries out as his head bows forward, resting against the crook of Eggsy’s neck.

Time passes in a weird way, because he has no idea how long he’s there until he can hear Michelle’s strangled cry behind him. It doesn’t prompt him to move, he can’t, he’s frozen in place while he sobs over his dead husband. A nurse tries to ease him off, but Merlin’s rigid and unwilling to move.

“I need time,” he croaks. “Please...I need time.”

“Of course.” She pats his shoulder and quietly lets herself out.

In the back of his mind Merlin figures he should comfort Michelle, but he isn’t thinking straight. Who would? No one with a heart can possibly be rational in a time like this. And he’s certainly not trying very hard to be; he hopes she doesn’t hold it against him.

Merlin stays there until it's painful to be in this position, and sits up to brush Eggsy’s hair from his pale, beautiful face so he can kiss his lips.

“I love you, lad,” he whispers to him and stands. The least he can do is allow Michelle some time with her son while he instructs hospital staff to call the funeral home.

He waits, holding Eggsy’s hand, for the coroner to show up. And maybe he gives Eggsy a final parting kiss before they take him away. Once he’s left in an empty room, Merlin decides to fill the suitcase he’s brought that held Eggsy’s things.

Michelle sniffles beside him, placing a few photo frames into the suitcase. “Here. Let me help.” He does, and together they pack up Eggsy’s room. “I’ve told Roxy,” Michelle says once they’ve completed the task. “She’s going to keep Daisy until the morning.”

Merlin looks out the window, “It is morning.” Time is funny.

Michelle squeaks, “Oh. So it is.” Neither of them move toward the door. “We should probably go,” she offers, still in the same spot.

“Aye.” Merlin shakes his head, sighing to himself and grabs the suitcase. As he turns to go Michelle stops him with a bone crushing hug. If he had any more tears to cry, Merlin would sob right there, but he’s dry for the moment. Maybe that’s a good thing, because he’s got a headache thrumming behind his eyes.

She pulls away, but keeps an arm around his waist, and they leave together.

Merlin can’t help but be painfully aware it’s without Eggsy, too.

\---

“Aye, white and orange, please.” Merlin walks around his sitting room, he’s on the phone with the funeral home. “And white as well with silver trim, yes. That works well. Thank ye.” He’s finishing the last of preparations for Eggsy’s service on Saturday.

There’s been more people than he can count showing up on his doorstep, casseroles by the dozen as if Merlin can’t feed himself, and enough flowers to fill a florist shop. He plans to donate most of them, hospitals and nursing homes could find better use than he can. Not to mention everything about them reminds him of the constant ache in his heart. He’s not trying to ignore it, but the ‘right in his face’ daily prompt he’s alone doesn’t do him many favors.

It was worth it, he tells himself on a daily basis, because has to hang onto that otherwise he’ll crumble and be of no use in life. But what’s life without the one person who gave you love? Eggsy taught him what it’s like to be a partner, a lover, a friend...a support system and in turn have that given to you. That’s not to say he wasn’t in relationships before, they were different, nothing quite like what he and Eggsy had.

Merlin wanders about, gathering clothes and shoes that he knows Eggsy would want to be in. JB is a constant presence, seeming a little blue along with the atmosphere he’s sure to expel. Michelle and Daisy keep well out of the way, not that Merlin told them to. He’s just sure she’s giving him time to grieve. He tries to extend the same in kind without being entirely sure it’s what she needs, but he’s not really in tune with others' emotions at the moment.

Not when his overwhelmingly crush his soul, making it hard to breathe when he watches Eggsy’s concentrator and all the medical equipment be taken away. Part of him wonders if it would have been easier to have it removed when Eggsy was in hospital. His rational brain wasn’t working, because there was still enough hope Merlin could bring Eggsy home. Even if he knew there wasn’t a chance, there’s always that tiny glimmer of positivity that’s hanging around each time Eggsy fell ill.

“Are you ready?” Michelle asks on the day he’s expecting to bury his husband.

No. He’s not ready. Eggsy’s pillow still smells of him, Merlin is afraid to touch it and burrow there in fear he’ll lose the scent of green fruits, sandalwood and fresh sage. The shampoo still resides in their bath, maybe he’ll wash with it when he needs to feel close with Eggsy.

Merlin knots his tie, buttons his suit jacket up and turns with a smile that doesn’t feel genuine. Her’s is an identical replica of his, holding some strength where it seems slim these days, but they’re trying.

“I am.” He moves more confidently than he feels as they load into the cab, arriving at the funeral home where Merlin plans to stand and shake hands with people he doesn’t know or doesn’t care to know.

There’s plenty of ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ to go around, more than it’s even bearable. But Merlin was raised to be polite, he’s somehow not feeling deserving of such condolences at times. Their marriage was short, but there was enough love to last him a lifetime. At least those who say their peace seem to recognize that.

He steals himself a glance of Eggsy, who’s not really there but is, and wishes the pink in his cheeks were real. That he wasn’t staring at artfully placed airbrush makeup; it hurts, but he can’t look away.

Eggsy wasn’t the religious type, so he holds the eulogy right at the funeral home before burial. It’s the least he can do since Michelle insisted upon him doing it.

“I want to thank you all for coming,” Merlin starts. He watches watery eyes staring at him, gathering his thoughts as he continues. “I know Eggsy would be thankful you all came to say your final goodbyes.” A few quiet sobs catch him off-guard; he’s trying not to break. “I know most of ye don’t know me well, and it does seem like everything happened so fast.” He clears the lump forming in his throat. “But I knew Eggsy for three years before we started seeing one another, and what we had was nothing less than genuine. I do wish I had more time to know him in a different capacity, but I can’t say I’m regretful of knowing him in this light.” A tear trickles down his face. “He was a kind, loving, caring big hearted man. I even aspire to be as selfless as him. He put everyone’s feelings and wellbeing before himself, withgoing the burden of telling most of ye he was sick.” Merlin cracks a smile. “He was anything but a burden, he was an angel on earth that touched so many lives. His time was short, but I can confidently say it made an impact on every person sitting here.”

He receives many nods through the crowd, there’s so many individuals and Merlin barely knows their names.

“He was so clearly loved by many and I’m sure he loved everyone right back.” Merlin takes a deep breath, squares off his shoulders, and grasps the podium for support. “He would want ye all to know he fought hard, his life didn’t end without a fight. Eggsy so desperately wished to stay, but he was tired and so his body needed to let go, but I don’t doubt for a second he’s not with us. That he won’t try to be around the ones he loved, because he worried about us most.” He isn’t able to keep it together any longer. Tears unwillingly roll down his cheeks as he finishes, “We lost a brave man, but now he’s a guardian angel. And I hope we all can take solace in that, if that’s what you believe. Thank you.”

Michelle’s next to him, assisting Merlin to sit. “That was beautiful,” she whispers, her own tears garbling her speech.

He doesn’t allow much fuss, waiting for everyone to clear out, and stands to give a final goodbye, kissing his husband’s lips for the last time. Michelle waits for him by the door and hooks an arm through his, leading them toward a cab.

Everything is snowy and beautiful, cold and white. Just as white as the casket Eggsy resides in. He’s wearing a dark grey suit with a silver tie, Merlin made sure his white winged trainers are covering his feet. It’s what Eggsy would want, it’s what Merlin wants him to have. White and orange lilies litter the top of his casket, they’re bright and striking against the winter scenery...just as strikingly stunning as Eggsy was in every room.

Michelle says her peace over his grave, before they lower him down, the crowd gathering both for warmth and her words.

Merlin is the last there, even as Michelle regretfully leaves to fetch Daisy; she’s leaving in the morning. He doesn’t know if he can go...there’s too much lying in that casket. His whole heart, it’s going down into the frozen Earth, and before he knows it night is approaching.

“You’ll catch your death out here.” A man says behind him. Merlin recognizes the cool, soft voice. “And you know Eggsy wouldn’t want that.” Merlin nods. “Come now. We can grab a cuppa.” Dr. Percival’s arm slips through his and off toward a waiting car.

Merlin watches him across the small bistro table, allowing his mug to seep warmth into his cold hands. “Thought ye didn’t go to client events.” Not this is much of an event.

Dr. Percival gives a rueful smile. “I don’t.” He takes something out of his pocket. “But Eggsy wanted me to give you this.” He slides a small black flash drive across the table.

He takes it. “He could have just left it somewhere in the house.” Merlin pockets it. “Why you?”

“I taped it, and he wanted to make sure you had it after the funeral.” He takes a long sip, shrugs, and says, “He knew you’d need it now.”

Merlin softly chuckles. “Thank you.”

He winks, “Don’t mention it.”

When Merlin’s home, taking JB out, and settling at his desktop, he inserts the drive and hits play. Of course it’s a video of Eggsy, in Dr. Morton’s office, looking whole and full of life.

“My lad,” Merlin breathes as it starts.

 _“Hey babe! Now the Doc is giving this to you after my service, and I know you ain’t okay. And that IS okay.”_ His smile is wonderfully bright, even apologetic. _“I know you say I don’t gotta be sorry, but I am. I’m so bloody sorry this is how it’s all ended.”_ Eggsy struggles with whatever it is he wants to say, Dr. Percival softly prompts from the background. _“Yeah. Right. I have things to tell you. Outside of I love you more than anything else in the world, of course.”_ He winks cheekily, cracking a smile on Merlin’s lips.

Eggsy goes on to tell him how much their marriage means to him, the relationship they built no matter how short it was. Because he knows it wasn’t anything longer than a year, which Eggsy didn’t make. He’s informing Merlin of his savings, his will, and life insurance plans to help cover things and the account he has set up for his mother and sister. Eggsy has it all taken care of, just as Merlin knew he would, making sure his family is set even when he can’t be here to do so.

 _“Oh! Before I sign off here, my Chromebook. There’s a file on it, says Merlin and Eggsy. It’s got pictures and a few other things. There’s a larger file within the folder, read it and at the end I think you’ll know what to do with it.”_ Eggsy blows him a dozen kisses, growing misty eyed. _“I miss you already and maybe I’ll be around, yeah? I love you so much, Hamish. More than words can properly convey.”_ He sees Eggsy’s sunny face for another moment, and then it ends.

Merlin spends another two hours watching it four times before he finally has a cry, which takes him a bit longer to sort himself from. After a final watch, Merlin pulls himself together and goes searching for Eggsy’s Chromebook. He gets himself ready for bed, taking a long hot shower where he uses Eggsy’s body wash, and settles in bed with JB beside him.

“Let’s see what Daddy saved for us, hm?” Merlin scratches behind JB’s ears.

He finds all the forms Eggsy spoke of, pictures and a few short stories he completed. Merlin sifts through it all until he finds a large file, it’s 127 pages long. It takes Merlin the entire night to read it, well into the morning, finally finishing at seven in the morning.

“Oh...oh my Eggsy.” Merlin shuts the laptop, finding it hard to bite back these new tears filling his vision. He tries to remember when Eggsy wrote it, not ever seeing him on the Chromebook except for early hours in the night.

The fiction moves him more than Eggsy’s compelling goodbye on the flashdrive. He takes the laptop, gets out of bed and dresses with Kingsman Publishing's in mind.

“You want me to publish this?” Chester frowns over the rim of his glasses. “Has it even been edited?”

“No. I don’t think so.” Merlin leans forward. “But it’s good.”

Chester reads a bit more, frowning but nodding. “It is. But it needs work.”

Merlin nods, “But I get final say before it’s released.” Chester cocks a brow. “It’s my husband’s work, aye? Ye give me final say.” He knows a bit about the editing process, Merlin doesn’t want any many alterations.

“Very well. I’ll edit it myself.”

He leaves feeling a bit hopeful. The man is old, but has been editing for decades and released some of the best books Merlin’s ever read. And it doesn’t take King long at all to get back with a final edition, Merlin feeling pleased when there’s little changes to the actual story itself. He’s already found an artist for the cover, works on a name and tosses himself back into work to keep busy.

The process takes less than two months, Merlin’s sure that’s some sort of record, before he sees it in stores.

A Time for Love by Eggsy Unwin Hits the shelves and clears out by every Romantic novel lover in the UK.

There’s even an article about it in the paper, by Roxy herself:

_A Time for Love is a compelling, heartfelt story of two men with odds stacked against them. Age and life circumstances don’t seem to be a match for Graham, a fifty year old computer shop repair owner and loner with no intents of marriage._

_Gary is a columnist working his way up the ladder to become a best selling author. With a health scare that puts his foot forward, and halts pining for the handsome, bald tech-man that fixes his computer, Gary figures out it’s better to love than not love at all._

_Through this romantic whirlwind of uncertainty you can be sure to find yourself falling in love with Graham and Gary, rooting as they overcome a health obstacle and navigate the many roads of love through a long life and marriage they feel proud of. It has the feels, it has the sex, it’s everything you could want in a Happily Ever After._

She, of course, leaves out the ending that’s Merlin’s favorite: they get to grow old together with kids they adopt through the bottom half of the story. And, at least, in this fiction of what their lives could have been, Eggsy is sick with cancer he beats and it never surfaces from remission.

Merlin frames the column, hanging it proudly in his office and reads his very own copy of the story each night.

And Eggsy becomes a bestselling author, his story touching various lives through the world, bringing in more money than Merlin will ever need. So he sends a portion of profits into Daisy’s account, making sure Michelle has some too, and donates a percentage to research regarding Aplastic Anemia.

It gives Eggsy’s death meaning and reminds Merlin each day that their love was so much more than the six months they were able to experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do give these songs a listen, because Dauntlessdiva (on tumblr) found and suggested them in correlation with each Eggsy's and Merlin's POV. 
> 
> Eggsy's POV: Die of a Broken Heart by: Carolyn Dawn Johnson  
> Merlin's POV (specifically the chorus): Lonely by: Machine Gun Kelly

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy, look forward to hearing from you all <3
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: @stronglyobsessed. I love making new friends!


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